Another thing I keep finding is that we all agree that adoption can be great for the same reasons:
“When it works right, it provides families for children who need them”
“It does give children the opportunity to grow up in a more financially sound environment, and gives people who cannot have children the opportunity to do so.”
“I think the best thing about adoption is that it gives children a chance at another life other than the one they were born into. It gives people who are unable to conceive children to take in a child who needs a family. It also gives mothers an opportunity to choose a better life for their child if they know they are incapable to be that child’s parent at that time, instead of them thinking they have no other option other than abortion or disposing of the baby by other means”
“You know that you are loved and wanted because the people that adopted you were looking for you. You are the child they never had.”
But is it that cut and dry? How does it feel to the adoptee???
“I am guessing I had a better life because my birth mother gave me up because she could not care for me like she wanted to but I am not exactly sure about that”
“I have always wondered where I come from. I mean it doesn't seem like a big deal but it’s just something that I’ve always wondered about. And it’s annoying because I do not know if I will ever be able to find out”
“I’m adopted. I got adopted at 22 hours old... I got taken away from my biological mom after I was born.”
“Also I was tormented in elementary school because I was adopted”
“I'm happy; I'm creating a life for myself. I do wonder certain things, like...do my biological parents care, do I have other biological siblings, and are they alive even. Who I look like, do illnesses or cancers run in my genes, whose nose I have, does my bio-father or bio-mom have a double crown on their head...because I do. Where does my creativity and artistic abilities come from, because no one in my family is artistic at all....just things like that?”
I think so many people who “Want to Adopt” have no do not have a clue what it feels like to be adopted nor are they forced to learn about it before they adopt. If people knew how the closed system “feels” I think they would change their ways. I don’t believe the people who push for things to be closed have any idea what it feels like. EVERY adoptee speaks the same way. Even if they know their life is better because of adoption (Which they just think, they don't know it's better and even when life has been good, when you don't know you wonder 'was my life REALLY better because of this adoption?')they live their life in wonder which creates all kinds of other trust and relationship problems.
We can solve this problem with education and LOVE!!!
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Am I the only one??
There are several issues I want to sit down and write about and can’t seem to find the time. I’m overwhelmed with the response I’m starting to get!! It’s amazing and I can’t believe the stories people have shared with me.
I have been copying and pasting different quotes that people have written me…non-identifying of course) that I want to share. I want to give a quote and then give you my point of view about these particular issues. I think this may be a good way for people to see where I stand on things and what it is I’m really trying to do out here.
Most people thought there can’t be many girls out there that both had been adopted and choose adoption when they found themselves pregnant. Many people over the years have thought that me having such a great situation with my daughter is so unique. As if we are so special that most people can’t have it the same. (????) I beg to differ. The difference is that we have chosen to stay open and love one another and guess what many other people have also:
“I am a Birth Mother who has a soon to be three year old. The adoption was not initially open but his parents and I changed that”
“I am both an adoptee and a birthmom. I have made adoption plans for my two boys over the last two years. I have open adoptions with both families. As for me, I am just finding my birthfamily.”
“I’m a birthmother, and I’m okay with the term maybe because I have a healthy relationship with my Birthson’s family. I don’t care what I’m called as long as I am called. =)”
“I myself am also a birthmother and an adoptee. I recently placed my son in a very open situation and could not be happier (for the child, for me, and for his new family)”
“I am actually both an adoptee and a birth parent. I am still actively searching for my Bfamily”
“Hey, I am both, also,”
For now I just wanted to show you all of these quotes from beautiful women who have written me. We are not all so unique and alone in this. I almost wonder that if it wasn’t for an adopted child growing up and choosing adoption if adoption would have ever become open? Those of us who know the pain of not knowing, we know that the choice was for us to have a better life, and it probably was. But we also know the pain not knowing caused, so when it came our time for messing up we knew that we would give our children better lives but we wouldn’t make them feel that pain of not knowing?? I don’t know who started the whole open adoption thing but I’m betting an adoptee that decided that placing would be best for the child would be at least one of the major movers on this movement.
I have been copying and pasting different quotes that people have written me…non-identifying of course) that I want to share. I want to give a quote and then give you my point of view about these particular issues. I think this may be a good way for people to see where I stand on things and what it is I’m really trying to do out here.
Most people thought there can’t be many girls out there that both had been adopted and choose adoption when they found themselves pregnant. Many people over the years have thought that me having such a great situation with my daughter is so unique. As if we are so special that most people can’t have it the same. (????) I beg to differ. The difference is that we have chosen to stay open and love one another and guess what many other people have also:
“I am a Birth Mother who has a soon to be three year old. The adoption was not initially open but his parents and I changed that”
“I am both an adoptee and a birthmom. I have made adoption plans for my two boys over the last two years. I have open adoptions with both families. As for me, I am just finding my birthfamily.”
“I’m a birthmother, and I’m okay with the term maybe because I have a healthy relationship with my Birthson’s family. I don’t care what I’m called as long as I am called. =)”
“I myself am also a birthmother and an adoptee. I recently placed my son in a very open situation and could not be happier (for the child, for me, and for his new family)”
“I am actually both an adoptee and a birth parent. I am still actively searching for my Bfamily”
“Hey, I am both, also,”
For now I just wanted to show you all of these quotes from beautiful women who have written me. We are not all so unique and alone in this. I almost wonder that if it wasn’t for an adopted child growing up and choosing adoption if adoption would have ever become open? Those of us who know the pain of not knowing, we know that the choice was for us to have a better life, and it probably was. But we also know the pain not knowing caused, so when it came our time for messing up we knew that we would give our children better lives but we wouldn’t make them feel that pain of not knowing?? I don’t know who started the whole open adoption thing but I’m betting an adoptee that decided that placing would be best for the child would be at least one of the major movers on this movement.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Mission Statement
Adoption Evolution Mission Statement
Our intent with Adoption Evolution is to make what we know as open adoption, the normal and expected practice in newborn adoption in the United States. We want to educate adopted parents, natural parents, and adoptee’s on the importance of all parties having knowledge of and even knowing each other. Adoption Evolution wants to lift up the experience of adoption by examining and filtering through the terminology and myth’s surrounding it. We believe law’s need to change in regards to adoption. We support the government amending birth certificates for children of adoption. It is our belief that adoptees' should have a birth certificate that includes all parties’ involved names, natural parents and adopted parents.
There is endless evidence that the secrets of adoption are harmful to both child and parents. Adoption Evolution believes we know a way to open up the cloud of secrecy where all adoption triad members will live happy.
Mostly, Adoption Evolution believes that this is not a difficult or confusing process in fact it feels quite rewarding. The easy answer is to just LOVE. Natural parents need to love the adopted family, they are providing for their blood the way they cannot. Adopted parents need to love the birth family they created this beautiful child that the adopted parents cherish so much. Adoptees’ need to love both sets of parents together they have made the adopted child one.
Adoption Evolution believes that there is no room for selfish, greedy, jealous feelings in successful adoption. Mother’s placing a child need to feel as though they gained a family not “gave up” a child. Adoption is not the end instead it is a new beginning with a brand new life.
Love IS the answer
Our intent with Adoption Evolution is to make what we know as open adoption, the normal and expected practice in newborn adoption in the United States. We want to educate adopted parents, natural parents, and adoptee’s on the importance of all parties having knowledge of and even knowing each other. Adoption Evolution wants to lift up the experience of adoption by examining and filtering through the terminology and myth’s surrounding it. We believe law’s need to change in regards to adoption. We support the government amending birth certificates for children of adoption. It is our belief that adoptees' should have a birth certificate that includes all parties’ involved names, natural parents and adopted parents.
There is endless evidence that the secrets of adoption are harmful to both child and parents. Adoption Evolution believes we know a way to open up the cloud of secrecy where all adoption triad members will live happy.
Mostly, Adoption Evolution believes that this is not a difficult or confusing process in fact it feels quite rewarding. The easy answer is to just LOVE. Natural parents need to love the adopted family, they are providing for their blood the way they cannot. Adopted parents need to love the birth family they created this beautiful child that the adopted parents cherish so much. Adoptees’ need to love both sets of parents together they have made the adopted child one.
Adoption Evolution believes that there is no room for selfish, greedy, jealous feelings in successful adoption. Mother’s placing a child need to feel as though they gained a family not “gave up” a child. Adoption is not the end instead it is a new beginning with a brand new life.
Love IS the answer
Friday, January 27, 2006
Real Quick
I'm starting to finally get a lot of response to my emails and communications I put on on the web. I want to post in here real quick and tell you all that as much as my last post about the terms we use is very important to what I'm doing, it's the mission statement and the finding of my mother or placing of my daughter that I want people to connect with. So....if you only have a small amount of time to check out this blog...go down to some of the more impacting entries.
Thank you all so much for reading this and participating with my questionnaire!! Each one of you matter to me...truly!
Thank you all so much for reading this and participating with my questionnaire!! Each one of you matter to me...truly!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
The terms we use
Today I want to talk about some of the terms we use in relation to adoption. The term I want change the most is the term “give up”, “gave up” or “given up”. This is how we refer to the person that has either, “gave up” their child or was “given up” for adoption. Placing my child with her adoptive parents did not feel like I was “giving up” on my daughter. I was “faithfully loving” her. Believing with all my heart that this was the right thing for her because I knew I didn’t have the ability to give her the life I wanted her to have. When finding my mother at age 25 I had already placed my child and believed that my mother must have loved me to even have chosen adoption, but when I found her I was given the proof that, yes, she did love me and no, she didn’t just “give up” on me. Lets look at the term “give up”: give up
1.
a. To surrender: The suspects gave themselves up.
b. To devote (oneself) completely: gave herself up to her work.
2.
a. To cease to do or perform: gave up their search.
b. To desist from; stop: gave up smoking.
3. To part with; relinquish: gave up the apartment; gave up all hope.
4.
a. To lose hope for: We had given the dog up as lost.
b. To lose hope of seeing: We'd given you up an hour ago.
5. To admit defeat.
6. To abandon what one is doing or planning to do: gave up on writing the novel.
I feel like to “give up” in reference to parenting could only be referred to that parent that keeps their child, but “gives up” and abandon or abuse that child. This is giving up on that child’s future. In no way do I mean that all women who choose to keep their children “give up” I’m saying we use this term for all women who place their children and this is NOT what women who place their children with an adoptive family do.
Plus don’t you think when an adopted child is told over and over in life, “you were ‘given up’ for adoption” or you mother “gave you up for adoption”. Psychologically I don’t think this is good for a child who already is going to have some problems understanding and accepting their different situation. I think we can find a better way to say this and it starts right here, with those of us who are involved with adoption.
Another term I can NOT stand is “real parents”. What? What is real? Let us look at the dictionary definition of “real”:
a. Being or occurring in fact or actuality; having verifiable existence: real objects; a real illness.
b. True and actual; not imaginary, alleged, or ideal: real people, not ghosts; a film based on real life.
c. Of or founded on practical matters and concerns: a recent graduate experiencing the real world for the first time.
2. Genuine and authentic; not artificial or spurious: real mink; real humility.
3. Being no less than what is stated; worthy of the name: a real friend.
4. Free of pretense, falsehood, or affectation: tourists hoping for a real experience on the guided tour.
5. Not to be taken lightly; serious: in real trouble.
Even though I am not close in anyway to my adoptive parent (that’s because we weren’t matched right) they are still my “real parents” I don’t see anything within the definition of real that says biological!
I never really thought too much about the term “birth mother” until I started frequenting more adoption related websites. I had no problem calling myself a “birth mother”. I have since thought more about it and believe “natural mother” is less offensive. For those women who fell into the adoption industry, not of their own will being called a “birth mother” sounds as if they are good for nothing more than creating children for parents that can’t get pregnant themselves. “Natural” feels like that person is and should be a part of that child’s life, always and forever because it is natural. Instead of sounding like at birth the whole thing is over and behind both parties, which we all know is not the case.
I would like to write an entire chapter in my book about the language we use when referring to adoption. If anyone that read this has any other terms they find offensive or inappropriate please share with me I’d love to hear what you have to say.
More later!
1.
a. To surrender: The suspects gave themselves up.
b. To devote (oneself) completely: gave herself up to her work.
2.
a. To cease to do or perform: gave up their search.
b. To desist from; stop: gave up smoking.
3. To part with; relinquish: gave up the apartment; gave up all hope.
4.
a. To lose hope for: We had given the dog up as lost.
b. To lose hope of seeing: We'd given you up an hour ago.
5. To admit defeat.
6. To abandon what one is doing or planning to do: gave up on writing the novel.
I feel like to “give up” in reference to parenting could only be referred to that parent that keeps their child, but “gives up” and abandon or abuse that child. This is giving up on that child’s future. In no way do I mean that all women who choose to keep their children “give up” I’m saying we use this term for all women who place their children and this is NOT what women who place their children with an adoptive family do.
Plus don’t you think when an adopted child is told over and over in life, “you were ‘given up’ for adoption” or you mother “gave you up for adoption”. Psychologically I don’t think this is good for a child who already is going to have some problems understanding and accepting their different situation. I think we can find a better way to say this and it starts right here, with those of us who are involved with adoption.
Another term I can NOT stand is “real parents”. What? What is real? Let us look at the dictionary definition of “real”:
a. Being or occurring in fact or actuality; having verifiable existence: real objects; a real illness.
b. True and actual; not imaginary, alleged, or ideal: real people, not ghosts; a film based on real life.
c. Of or founded on practical matters and concerns: a recent graduate experiencing the real world for the first time.
2. Genuine and authentic; not artificial or spurious: real mink; real humility.
3. Being no less than what is stated; worthy of the name: a real friend.
4. Free of pretense, falsehood, or affectation: tourists hoping for a real experience on the guided tour.
5. Not to be taken lightly; serious: in real trouble.
Even though I am not close in anyway to my adoptive parent (that’s because we weren’t matched right) they are still my “real parents” I don’t see anything within the definition of real that says biological!
I never really thought too much about the term “birth mother” until I started frequenting more adoption related websites. I had no problem calling myself a “birth mother”. I have since thought more about it and believe “natural mother” is less offensive. For those women who fell into the adoption industry, not of their own will being called a “birth mother” sounds as if they are good for nothing more than creating children for parents that can’t get pregnant themselves. “Natural” feels like that person is and should be a part of that child’s life, always and forever because it is natural. Instead of sounding like at birth the whole thing is over and behind both parties, which we all know is not the case.
I would like to write an entire chapter in my book about the language we use when referring to adoption. If anyone that read this has any other terms they find offensive or inappropriate please share with me I’d love to hear what you have to say.
More later!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
I talked to my daughter last night!!
So I called my daughter last night. My daughter who is 15 now was placed with her parents almost at birth. I told that story earlier in the blog.
Anyway, she is going to be 16 in Oct. She's thinking she is some kinda spoiled rich kid or something. She told me she's going to go to Europe for her birthday, have a huge party and get a new car, she wants a BMW. The thing is she is just talken. (It's that Super Sweet 16 on MTV that makes the kids like this now ya know). Her parents do alright but they would never spoil her like that. Her father is the head of the music department for a big church in San Diego. Mom does interior design. They adopted a new baby 2 years ago.
I'm so happy with how things are with us. I called last night and when I call its just like if your aunt called from out of town or whatever. Sometimes we talk alot sometimes it's more scattered but somethings never change. We always share that we love eachother I catch up on everything going on then I get on the phone with Mom and hear whats "really" going on.
My daughter is SOOOO my daughter...she's boy crazy and up and down with her grades..only because she is too social! The good thing she has going for her is she is into sports (I never was too much) And her parents support her on every adventure she wants to go on. She wants to model, ok lets do it, basketball, lets do it, volleyball, lets do it, guitar, lets do it. She has been able to follow her dreams every little step.
When I hear women who hate adoption so much and say that all familys should be together. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. You know do I not love my family? Because thats how they make me feel...No one would "give up" there child on their own and still love their child. Seriously this is how it feels.
This is not the truth for me and each time I do talk to my daughter which is at least once a month or more, there is no schedule we are just family, I know I made the perfect decision. Chariti (thats her name) knows I love her she loves me and she has had every opportunity. My life the last 15 years, I can't even share because people would start looking down on me, what I will say is she is in a much better place.
Now, I will say this is true because I'm a part of her life. Not because her parents have given her everything she needed. Said I never saw her again and she wasn't able to ever know anything about the fact that she was adopted and what I was like or who I was.....she would have problems and I would have a bigger problem than all the mess I've been in over the years. We are all able to sleep easy and know we are loved. We live with out this dark secret. We just share pounds and pounds of LOVE.
The new baby they adopted, has a mother who has had some drug problems and has been in and out of jail but no matter what my daughters adoptive family want her to be a part. When she drops off for a while and then calls again out of no where they don't shun her. They know that it is just as important to that woman to know her child is ok as it is to that child to grow up know that woman.
These adoptive parents are truly angels in my life but alot of people could learn from how we have lived this. We need the laws changed so that they make people live like this but until then if we can show future adopive parents the difference between a child growing up knowing their biological family and those that are kept in the dark, I think adoptive parents would want a child that knew their family. Those of us kept in the dark deal with deep rooted problems that I believed have been solved by the families all knowing and loving each other.
"Love IS the Answer"
Anyway, she is going to be 16 in Oct. She's thinking she is some kinda spoiled rich kid or something. She told me she's going to go to Europe for her birthday, have a huge party and get a new car, she wants a BMW. The thing is she is just talken. (It's that Super Sweet 16 on MTV that makes the kids like this now ya know). Her parents do alright but they would never spoil her like that. Her father is the head of the music department for a big church in San Diego. Mom does interior design. They adopted a new baby 2 years ago.
I'm so happy with how things are with us. I called last night and when I call its just like if your aunt called from out of town or whatever. Sometimes we talk alot sometimes it's more scattered but somethings never change. We always share that we love eachother I catch up on everything going on then I get on the phone with Mom and hear whats "really" going on.
My daughter is SOOOO my daughter...she's boy crazy and up and down with her grades..only because she is too social! The good thing she has going for her is she is into sports (I never was too much) And her parents support her on every adventure she wants to go on. She wants to model, ok lets do it, basketball, lets do it, volleyball, lets do it, guitar, lets do it. She has been able to follow her dreams every little step.
When I hear women who hate adoption so much and say that all familys should be together. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. You know do I not love my family? Because thats how they make me feel...No one would "give up" there child on their own and still love their child. Seriously this is how it feels.
This is not the truth for me and each time I do talk to my daughter which is at least once a month or more, there is no schedule we are just family, I know I made the perfect decision. Chariti (thats her name) knows I love her she loves me and she has had every opportunity. My life the last 15 years, I can't even share because people would start looking down on me, what I will say is she is in a much better place.
Now, I will say this is true because I'm a part of her life. Not because her parents have given her everything she needed. Said I never saw her again and she wasn't able to ever know anything about the fact that she was adopted and what I was like or who I was.....she would have problems and I would have a bigger problem than all the mess I've been in over the years. We are all able to sleep easy and know we are loved. We live with out this dark secret. We just share pounds and pounds of LOVE.
The new baby they adopted, has a mother who has had some drug problems and has been in and out of jail but no matter what my daughters adoptive family want her to be a part. When she drops off for a while and then calls again out of no where they don't shun her. They know that it is just as important to that woman to know her child is ok as it is to that child to grow up know that woman.
These adoptive parents are truly angels in my life but alot of people could learn from how we have lived this. We need the laws changed so that they make people live like this but until then if we can show future adopive parents the difference between a child growing up knowing their biological family and those that are kept in the dark, I think adoptive parents would want a child that knew their family. Those of us kept in the dark deal with deep rooted problems that I believed have been solved by the families all knowing and loving each other.
"Love IS the Answer"
Now I need to say sorry.....
I can appreciate that the so called "calling names" is maybe not so grown up. For that I apologize. This is the thing I'm getting emails over and over from these women who make me the enemy. This is my blog where I share what I'm thinking and feeling. This day I received 5 emails from people who wanted to not read what I wrote but tell me how much I don't know about adoption and how I'm trying to break up families. If your not a bitter woman that is making me the enemy it isn't you this is meant for. I'm trying to spread love and keep that negative energy away from me. Its no good. I like anyone else allow things to bother me...Being I"m not a business and I'm a human who uses this blog to express myself I did. That's what I feel about the responses I got. I had no idea I would continue to get beat down for trying to share what I think to be positive. I'm sorry I called these woman bitter. At some point I would like to get back to the fact that "LOVE" is the answer. Please
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
OK....
In no way am I saying that all hurt natual mothers that have responded to me are bitter bitter woman. I apreciate the responces from those mothers that share that. I understand and hate what the system has done to so many people... including me as a child from a very closed adoption, my natural mother that was forced into placing me. I understand and support those feelings. What I am referring to is the women who hate me and hate what I'm saying. I'm not the enemy!!
I want to make positive change.
Do these woman really think there can just be NO adoption? And if they do when do they think thats going to happen? Until then should we not try and make it as good as possible for these children? I mean really should we not try and do the best we can for the children that are being placed. I know there are people who are forced into adoption...this is not good, I do not support that. But for those women who have made me the enemy its as if they don't believe that anyone could actually choose adoption on their own. Some people are not in a place to raise a child and do want better! Yes there are people like that out there. It is for those people I speak. I don't want to take children from peole who don't want to place their children. I don't want to make single parents feel bad, I'm a single parent. I am just trying to make the situation as good as I can see it when the option is choosen.
Yes I agree adoption can be confusing for a child but when the family is both adoptive and natural the childs whole life it is just part of life. Divorce is confusing for children, when you have open loving relationships children will grow to understand. It's confusing when a child is left in the dark then finds out something new, when they know this their whole life it is the life they know and they aren't that confused off of it.
I never said Love= Adoption I said that Love is the answer of making it a better system than it is today. Eliminating Selfish, Greedy, Jealous feeling and doing nothing but LOVE this is what makes it work.
Where did I say Love=Adoption???
I don't get this do people only read like 2 words per page? I'm adopted I know how hard and damaging it is to be a child from a closed adoption, with adoptive parents that wouldn't talk about it, with adoptive parents that are completly oposite from me in EVERY way. The whole purpose of this is not to talk people into adoption but to share with people why it needs to change, I know because I lived it.
I want to make positive change.
Do these woman really think there can just be NO adoption? And if they do when do they think thats going to happen? Until then should we not try and make it as good as possible for these children? I mean really should we not try and do the best we can for the children that are being placed. I know there are people who are forced into adoption...this is not good, I do not support that. But for those women who have made me the enemy its as if they don't believe that anyone could actually choose adoption on their own. Some people are not in a place to raise a child and do want better! Yes there are people like that out there. It is for those people I speak. I don't want to take children from peole who don't want to place their children. I don't want to make single parents feel bad, I'm a single parent. I am just trying to make the situation as good as I can see it when the option is choosen.
Yes I agree adoption can be confusing for a child but when the family is both adoptive and natural the childs whole life it is just part of life. Divorce is confusing for children, when you have open loving relationships children will grow to understand. It's confusing when a child is left in the dark then finds out something new, when they know this their whole life it is the life they know and they aren't that confused off of it.
I never said Love= Adoption I said that Love is the answer of making it a better system than it is today. Eliminating Selfish, Greedy, Jealous feeling and doing nothing but LOVE this is what makes it work.
Where did I say Love=Adoption???
I don't get this do people only read like 2 words per page? I'm adopted I know how hard and damaging it is to be a child from a closed adoption, with adoptive parents that wouldn't talk about it, with adoptive parents that are completly oposite from me in EVERY way. The whole purpose of this is not to talk people into adoption but to share with people why it needs to change, I know because I lived it.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Natural Mothers that Hate what I'm doing!!
I'm shocked!! I keep getting responces from bitter birthmothers (natural mothers) that think I'm the enemy. Check this out:
" completely disagree with your mission statement. To further educate yourself regarding the truth about adoption and the lifelong damage that it causes I suggest that you visit a few more websites that do not advocate the theft of children from their natural mothers. Adoption has nothing to do with love. Adoption advocates are greedy and selfish - not loving!"
"Oh I see...I read more. You are in favor of separating more families, if possible.
Please just keep your survey. "
I can't believe this, it makes my stomache hurt. As if I, a child of a unhealthy adoption, don't know anything about the damage adoption creates!! THATS THE POINT OF WHAT I'M DOING!! Or what is that I'm "IN FAVOR OF SEPARATING MORE FAMILIES"
Anyone have any idea how someone would get that type of impression from my blog? I don't get it???
This the thing, those are both (I'm guessing not sure) Bitter Bitter birthmothers (natural mothers) that were forced into placing their children and they can't believe that some people make that choice on their own and it is the best choice, it's as if they think all children should just stay with their families. If that is the case....CHECK OUT THE FOSTER CARE SITUATION!! We need these children to be in healthy open adoption that the law supports PERIOD!!
" completely disagree with your mission statement. To further educate yourself regarding the truth about adoption and the lifelong damage that it causes I suggest that you visit a few more websites that do not advocate the theft of children from their natural mothers. Adoption has nothing to do with love. Adoption advocates are greedy and selfish - not loving!"
"Oh I see...I read more. You are in favor of separating more families, if possible.
Please just keep your survey. "
I can't believe this, it makes my stomache hurt. As if I, a child of a unhealthy adoption, don't know anything about the damage adoption creates!! THATS THE POINT OF WHAT I'M DOING!! Or what is that I'm "IN FAVOR OF SEPARATING MORE FAMILIES"
Anyone have any idea how someone would get that type of impression from my blog? I don't get it???
This the thing, those are both (I'm guessing not sure) Bitter Bitter birthmothers (natural mothers) that were forced into placing their children and they can't believe that some people make that choice on their own and it is the best choice, it's as if they think all children should just stay with their families. If that is the case....CHECK OUT THE FOSTER CARE SITUATION!! We need these children to be in healthy open adoption that the law supports PERIOD!!
Friday, January 13, 2006
All those things you guys are wondering about
I haven't been as focused on giving the remaining story of my daughter and finding my family on this blog as I should. I've gotten several emails telling me "What next"
So even though I don't have a bunch of time to write here today I will give you all a quick overview of how it's been.
My daughter is now 15 years old will be 16 later this year (2006) Like WOAH! I can hardly believe that. We have been in constant contact over the years. I have had years in there that the communication hasn't been great, more because of me be disappointed with myself and trying to figure out my own life. 'I'm a mess with my life, have been for years,' this is why this was the greatest choice! My daughter is comfortable with having a different family than most she know's we all love her. Her parents did adopt another baby just a couple years ago and tryed to have it open, the mother hasn't been a huge part of their lives yet. The beautiful thing is that my daughters adoptive parents will have that door open always and forever for her, so when she does get it together and wants to know whats going on with her son they will have NO problem with that. They are the most beautiful family in the world, I'm truly blessed. The thing is I believe with all my heart that more people can live like this than do if they were educated about how great it is for the children.
Finding my natural family! It has been the best thing to happen to both my mother and myself. We are very close! We talk all the time. There are things about her I wish I could change and I'm sure she could say the same, but hey couldn't you say that about everyone you know. The thing is we ARE family and that will never change. My father, was an exchange student from North Africa. When I found him (which by the way is a CRAZY story, they guys from my local gas station found him then emailed me, talken about, I have good news about your family call me right away) he nevery denied me. He never said lets get a blood test or anything. He "said" he didn't know. My mother tells me that she talked to him while she was in the hospital. So thats his own demons that he doesn't want to say that he knew I was here this whole time and never told anyone. Whats important is that from that first moment I spoke to him on Christmas Eve 2000 I have felt like him and his family are my family. I don't talk to them as much as my mother but I could feel it. I did meet his brother that lives here in the states and he has been nothing but WONDERFUL to me everytime I talk to him and the one time I stayed with him.
This is the thing with placing my daughter and finding my family, the reason it has worked out is because nobody, not me or anyone else involved has held on to feelings of guilt, greediness, selfishness or anyother negitive feeling that would bring it all down. It is all about LOVE, we all LOVE eachother! Even my daughters adoptive mother and my birthmother and my natural uncle and so on and so on. LOVE LOVE LOVE is the answer we can't think about ourselves all the time or we won't enjoy life. I'm here to live and love and thats it!
I hope this gives a quick overview of what it's been like, keep the questions coming and if you can fill out my questionnaire for me, please drop me a line!!
Love Shannon
So even though I don't have a bunch of time to write here today I will give you all a quick overview of how it's been.
My daughter is now 15 years old will be 16 later this year (2006) Like WOAH! I can hardly believe that. We have been in constant contact over the years. I have had years in there that the communication hasn't been great, more because of me be disappointed with myself and trying to figure out my own life. 'I'm a mess with my life, have been for years,' this is why this was the greatest choice! My daughter is comfortable with having a different family than most she know's we all love her. Her parents did adopt another baby just a couple years ago and tryed to have it open, the mother hasn't been a huge part of their lives yet. The beautiful thing is that my daughters adoptive parents will have that door open always and forever for her, so when she does get it together and wants to know whats going on with her son they will have NO problem with that. They are the most beautiful family in the world, I'm truly blessed. The thing is I believe with all my heart that more people can live like this than do if they were educated about how great it is for the children.
Finding my natural family! It has been the best thing to happen to both my mother and myself. We are very close! We talk all the time. There are things about her I wish I could change and I'm sure she could say the same, but hey couldn't you say that about everyone you know. The thing is we ARE family and that will never change. My father, was an exchange student from North Africa. When I found him (which by the way is a CRAZY story, they guys from my local gas station found him then emailed me, talken about, I have good news about your family call me right away) he nevery denied me. He never said lets get a blood test or anything. He "said" he didn't know. My mother tells me that she talked to him while she was in the hospital. So thats his own demons that he doesn't want to say that he knew I was here this whole time and never told anyone. Whats important is that from that first moment I spoke to him on Christmas Eve 2000 I have felt like him and his family are my family. I don't talk to them as much as my mother but I could feel it. I did meet his brother that lives here in the states and he has been nothing but WONDERFUL to me everytime I talk to him and the one time I stayed with him.
This is the thing with placing my daughter and finding my family, the reason it has worked out is because nobody, not me or anyone else involved has held on to feelings of guilt, greediness, selfishness or anyother negitive feeling that would bring it all down. It is all about LOVE, we all LOVE eachother! Even my daughters adoptive mother and my birthmother and my natural uncle and so on and so on. LOVE LOVE LOVE is the answer we can't think about ourselves all the time or we won't enjoy life. I'm here to live and love and thats it!
I hope this gives a quick overview of what it's been like, keep the questions coming and if you can fill out my questionnaire for me, please drop me a line!!
Love Shannon
Questionnaire is coming right along
For the past week I've spent every moment I have (when my boss isn't around) finding people with blogs and website that are touched by adoption and sending them my mission statement and questionnaire. I'm happy to report that I've already been getting a good responce from everyone.
I'm so excited to see that after all these years of thinking about what I was going to do, to see it happening right here in front of me now, is extremly rewarding ALREADY!
I'm so excited to see that after all these years of thinking about what I was going to do, to see it happening right here in front of me now, is extremly rewarding ALREADY!
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Adoption Evolution Mission Statement
Our intent with Adoption Evolution is to make what we know as open adoption, the normal and expected practice in newborn adoption in the United States. We want to educate adopted parents, birth parents, and adoptee’s on the importance of all parties having knowledge of and even knowing each other. Adoption Evolution wants to lift up the experience of adoption by examining and filtering through the terminology and myth’s surrounding it. We believe law’s need to change in regards to adoption. We support the government amending birth certificates for children of adoption. It is our belief that adoptees' should have a birth certificate that includes all parties’ involved names, natural parents and adopted parents.
There is endless evidence that the secrets of adoption are harmful to both child and parents. Adoption Evolution believes we know a way to open up the cloud of secrecy where all adoption triad members will live happy.
Mostly, Adoption Evolution believes that this is not a difficult or confusing process in fact it feels quite rewarding. The easy answer is to just LOVE. Natural parents need to love the adopted family, they are providing for their blood the way they cannot. Adopted parents need to love the birth family they created this beautiful child that the adopted parents cherish so much. Adoptees’ need to love both sets of parents together they have made the adopted child one.
Adoption Evolution believes that there is no room for selfish, greedy, jealous feelings in successful adoption. Mother’s placing a child need to feel as though they gained a family not “gave up” a child. Adoption is not the end instead it is a new beginning with a brand new life.
Love IS the answer
There is endless evidence that the secrets of adoption are harmful to both child and parents. Adoption Evolution believes we know a way to open up the cloud of secrecy where all adoption triad members will live happy.
Mostly, Adoption Evolution believes that this is not a difficult or confusing process in fact it feels quite rewarding. The easy answer is to just LOVE. Natural parents need to love the adopted family, they are providing for their blood the way they cannot. Adopted parents need to love the birth family they created this beautiful child that the adopted parents cherish so much. Adoptees’ need to love both sets of parents together they have made the adopted child one.
Adoption Evolution believes that there is no room for selfish, greedy, jealous feelings in successful adoption. Mother’s placing a child need to feel as though they gained a family not “gave up” a child. Adoption is not the end instead it is a new beginning with a brand new life.
Love IS the answer
Finding my mother
I dreamt of this my whole life.
I knew more than I knew anything in this world that I would find my blood family oneday. I believed I was prepared for whatever happened, although if I'm really truthful with myself I would have been devisated said my biological parents wouldn't meet me or rejected me. As most adoptive children from closed adoption being rejected or getting feelings of being unwanted stirs left over feeling of abandonment that most adopted children, especially from closed adoptions, experience. Even if I would have had to experience that kind of rejection I know it would have been worth it to know. To know that you weren't missing anything by not knowing these "birth parents" your whole life.
To just KNOW is what I needed.
I felt like I was always searching. The first real move to searching was when I was 16. I had been running away from home and fighting with my parents. I was forced to go to counceling with my parents to work things out. Come to find out my parents have had a letter writen from the attorney that handled the adoption. The letter was writen in 1979 I was 6 years old. I suppose my parents must have started to notice I look different, very different then them and they wanted to know just what nationality I am. So the letter said my maternal grandmother is Danish, my maternal grandfather is Blackfoot indian and French Canadian, my mother is caucasian and her last name sounded french. It also said my father was Arabic.
Woah, this was amazing, Arabic. Being raised in Montana this was Unbeleivable!! I had been told my whole life that I was French Canadian and never really felt like that was all right. Looking in the mirror everday it seemed there must be more going on than "French Canadian". This was my first moment of feeling like there is something that is MINE. I have some heritage different from everyone I know and it is truly MINE!! I've always had friends of minority decent, and I was always embrassed their cultural practices and ways, but they were always theirs not mine. Or maybe they were, I didn't know......but now I did. I'm Arabic and I would now do everything I could to learn about being Arabic. I didn't know anyone who claimed to be Arabic before. What country would that be? I never wanted to believe the things I heard here in Montana about Arab people. They made them sound like savages with lots of money. I knew already at that time that people in Monatana haven't been exposed to much so until I could meet my people myself I refused to believe the hype.
At the point that I first saw this letter I decided to contact the lawyer. I come to find out at this point how my adoption came to be. My adoptive mother's, mother worked in the hospital. For some reason my parents couldn't have children (I'm 31 years old and I still have no idea why) so the Doctor at the hospital, who had been friends with my future adoptive grandmother, had this young girl that was about to have a child, of course not married. Her mother has decided that her daughter will give this unplanned, unexpected and mostly unwanted baby up for adoption. The Doctor knew his friend the nurses daughter had been thinking about adopting. One thing led to another, the new perspective parents hired a lawyer and the day I was born I was theres. My biological mother never even saw me. Being that my parents hired the lawyer that wrote up all the adoption papers it was a conflict of interest to ask him to help me get them open. He told me that I could file for the papers to be open when I turned 18. That it is fairly common to open adoption records to adult adoptees in todays day and age.
That was the end of that for a few years. Never did it slip my mind for even a second that I WOULD find my family one day. One day after spending a couple years dragging my life through the mud, I found the strength to start on this mission again.
I filed the papers with the court. I had gotten into a bit of legal trouble in those couple years. Wouldn't you know that the same judge that I saw in my legal trouble is the judge that see's over this adoption thing. He deny's me access!! What??! I thought this was fairly common and they just opened these things to people after they turned 18. I was devistated....but it was almost the move that really energized my mission. At that point I drowned myself in adoption. I wrote every adoption search related organization in the entire country and beyond. I registered my name in every adoption registry I could find. But with out a name searching for biological parents can be very difficult.
One of the companys I wrote while in the middle of this search was Dave Thomas's Adoption Foundation. I knew that the owner of Wendy's had something to do with the Adoption world but didn't know what. I wrote and explained what I was doing and wondered if their foundatioin had any suggesitons. I received a letter back from Dave Thomas's assistant. I could tell she took the time to write this letter and it ment alot to me (more than I had any idea of at the time). She explained to me that the Dave Thomas Adoption Foundation help with adoptions of physically or mentally disabled children. She did though wish me good luck and recommended two books I might be interested in reading. And so I did.
During this same time I'm appealing my decision by the courts on the fact that they never did give a reason that they denied me access they just said no. It took a year and a half but the courts made the judge give a reason that he denied me access. He said that he searched for my mother and with my "lengthy criminal history" (at age 19?) he felt uncomfortable in giving me any information about her. He also said there was no immediate need for medical history (even though I now have a daughter who is now given up for adoption who could use some history). He searched for my mother and came to all this in 41days. The courts upheld his decission. I found out in the newspaper and received the papers in the mail two weeks later. Being a full time judge I find it hard to beleive that he searched all that hard in 41 days...??
Back to the book the Dave Thomas Adoption Foundation suggested that I read. In some small paragraph in some short chapter there was something about if your from a small town you might think about running an ad in ther personals just saying when you were born and who you are looking for. I always kept that in the back of my mind.
As usually life continued to go on with major ups and downs but one thing never changed I was going to find these people and everyone around me knew this as well. I run in to an old friend that was living in Missoula. I lived in Seattle at the time. We decide that she would run an ad in the local paper in Missoula for me. The ad would say the following: Adoptee seeking birthparents, I was born on July 21, 1973 @ community hospital, the doctor was Dr. Campbell the lawyer was L. Riley and the judge was Judge Green if you have any info please contact me @ XXXX....well at the time I had a 800 pager number, so thats what I listed. The first week went by I received about 4-5 calls, other people that are searching that offered to help but no one with any info. Then the ad fell out of the paper on accendent the second week, so we call up the paper and they get it in the next day. That day I received a call from a woman who worked for that doctor during that time, she couldn't remember my mother but she was still in contact with another nurse that now lives in Arizona but she would call her and see if she knew anything. That night I went to the casino. (I did that alot in those days) I was loosing and just sick about it. $45 left and my pager goes off. Saved by the bell!! I walk to the payphone and hear my message. The older woman on the other end of the phone says "We're calling about your ad....we'll call back".......WHAT!!?? This has GOT to be my family, and she doesn't realize that this is a pager. I spend the next hour calling everyone that I could think of that had 3 way and made them listen to what I already knew to be MY FAMILY!! I then changed the out going message to have my home phone number on it and headed back to the tables. Don't you know it was my turn to roll the di. And I did...for the next 45 minutes and then the next guy rolled for 30 minutes. I left after that with $1500. This day went down in history.
The next morining I woke up at 8:30am to a phone call from my new old family. Their names were Dee and King and they told me my mothers name was Kathy. Kathy....Kathy woah..I don't think I ever visulized her name before.
I knew more than I knew anything in this world that I would find my blood family oneday. I believed I was prepared for whatever happened, although if I'm really truthful with myself I would have been devisated said my biological parents wouldn't meet me or rejected me. As most adoptive children from closed adoption being rejected or getting feelings of being unwanted stirs left over feeling of abandonment that most adopted children, especially from closed adoptions, experience. Even if I would have had to experience that kind of rejection I know it would have been worth it to know. To know that you weren't missing anything by not knowing these "birth parents" your whole life.
To just KNOW is what I needed.
I felt like I was always searching. The first real move to searching was when I was 16. I had been running away from home and fighting with my parents. I was forced to go to counceling with my parents to work things out. Come to find out my parents have had a letter writen from the attorney that handled the adoption. The letter was writen in 1979 I was 6 years old. I suppose my parents must have started to notice I look different, very different then them and they wanted to know just what nationality I am. So the letter said my maternal grandmother is Danish, my maternal grandfather is Blackfoot indian and French Canadian, my mother is caucasian and her last name sounded french. It also said my father was Arabic.
Woah, this was amazing, Arabic. Being raised in Montana this was Unbeleivable!! I had been told my whole life that I was French Canadian and never really felt like that was all right. Looking in the mirror everday it seemed there must be more going on than "French Canadian". This was my first moment of feeling like there is something that is MINE. I have some heritage different from everyone I know and it is truly MINE!! I've always had friends of minority decent, and I was always embrassed their cultural practices and ways, but they were always theirs not mine. Or maybe they were, I didn't know......but now I did. I'm Arabic and I would now do everything I could to learn about being Arabic. I didn't know anyone who claimed to be Arabic before. What country would that be? I never wanted to believe the things I heard here in Montana about Arab people. They made them sound like savages with lots of money. I knew already at that time that people in Monatana haven't been exposed to much so until I could meet my people myself I refused to believe the hype.
At the point that I first saw this letter I decided to contact the lawyer. I come to find out at this point how my adoption came to be. My adoptive mother's, mother worked in the hospital. For some reason my parents couldn't have children (I'm 31 years old and I still have no idea why) so the Doctor at the hospital, who had been friends with my future adoptive grandmother, had this young girl that was about to have a child, of course not married. Her mother has decided that her daughter will give this unplanned, unexpected and mostly unwanted baby up for adoption. The Doctor knew his friend the nurses daughter had been thinking about adopting. One thing led to another, the new perspective parents hired a lawyer and the day I was born I was theres. My biological mother never even saw me. Being that my parents hired the lawyer that wrote up all the adoption papers it was a conflict of interest to ask him to help me get them open. He told me that I could file for the papers to be open when I turned 18. That it is fairly common to open adoption records to adult adoptees in todays day and age.
That was the end of that for a few years. Never did it slip my mind for even a second that I WOULD find my family one day. One day after spending a couple years dragging my life through the mud, I found the strength to start on this mission again.
I filed the papers with the court. I had gotten into a bit of legal trouble in those couple years. Wouldn't you know that the same judge that I saw in my legal trouble is the judge that see's over this adoption thing. He deny's me access!! What??! I thought this was fairly common and they just opened these things to people after they turned 18. I was devistated....but it was almost the move that really energized my mission. At that point I drowned myself in adoption. I wrote every adoption search related organization in the entire country and beyond. I registered my name in every adoption registry I could find. But with out a name searching for biological parents can be very difficult.
One of the companys I wrote while in the middle of this search was Dave Thomas's Adoption Foundation. I knew that the owner of Wendy's had something to do with the Adoption world but didn't know what. I wrote and explained what I was doing and wondered if their foundatioin had any suggesitons. I received a letter back from Dave Thomas's assistant. I could tell she took the time to write this letter and it ment alot to me (more than I had any idea of at the time). She explained to me that the Dave Thomas Adoption Foundation help with adoptions of physically or mentally disabled children. She did though wish me good luck and recommended two books I might be interested in reading. And so I did.
During this same time I'm appealing my decision by the courts on the fact that they never did give a reason that they denied me access they just said no. It took a year and a half but the courts made the judge give a reason that he denied me access. He said that he searched for my mother and with my "lengthy criminal history" (at age 19?) he felt uncomfortable in giving me any information about her. He also said there was no immediate need for medical history (even though I now have a daughter who is now given up for adoption who could use some history). He searched for my mother and came to all this in 41days. The courts upheld his decission. I found out in the newspaper and received the papers in the mail two weeks later. Being a full time judge I find it hard to beleive that he searched all that hard in 41 days...??
Back to the book the Dave Thomas Adoption Foundation suggested that I read. In some small paragraph in some short chapter there was something about if your from a small town you might think about running an ad in ther personals just saying when you were born and who you are looking for. I always kept that in the back of my mind.
As usually life continued to go on with major ups and downs but one thing never changed I was going to find these people and everyone around me knew this as well. I run in to an old friend that was living in Missoula. I lived in Seattle at the time. We decide that she would run an ad in the local paper in Missoula for me. The ad would say the following: Adoptee seeking birthparents, I was born on July 21, 1973 @ community hospital, the doctor was Dr. Campbell the lawyer was L. Riley and the judge was Judge Green if you have any info please contact me @ XXXX....well at the time I had a 800 pager number, so thats what I listed. The first week went by I received about 4-5 calls, other people that are searching that offered to help but no one with any info. Then the ad fell out of the paper on accendent the second week, so we call up the paper and they get it in the next day. That day I received a call from a woman who worked for that doctor during that time, she couldn't remember my mother but she was still in contact with another nurse that now lives in Arizona but she would call her and see if she knew anything. That night I went to the casino. (I did that alot in those days) I was loosing and just sick about it. $45 left and my pager goes off. Saved by the bell!! I walk to the payphone and hear my message. The older woman on the other end of the phone says "We're calling about your ad....we'll call back".......WHAT!!?? This has GOT to be my family, and she doesn't realize that this is a pager. I spend the next hour calling everyone that I could think of that had 3 way and made them listen to what I already knew to be MY FAMILY!! I then changed the out going message to have my home phone number on it and headed back to the tables. Don't you know it was my turn to roll the di. And I did...for the next 45 minutes and then the next guy rolled for 30 minutes. I left after that with $1500. This day went down in history.
The next morining I woke up at 8:30am to a phone call from my new old family. Their names were Dee and King and they told me my mothers name was Kathy. Kathy....Kathy woah..I don't think I ever visulized her name before.
The first day of the rest of her life
Most people said, " I could never have taken my child home and STILL give them up for adoption!"
For me it was different.
Having 2 days to say my own good bye was one thing. It's a time that will always lie very dear to my heart. But more than my own personal gain emotionally, I knew I wasn't cut out to be a mother at 17 years old. I had to get up every 3.5 hours feed, rock and protect this tiny baby. I felt the heaviness of the situation in that 48 hours and I knew I was making the right decision. I could barely, actually, I couldn't at all take care of myself and now here's this baby. A baby that would depend on me to survive, I did not have the focus or stregnth to do it right at that time and no matter how bad it hurt this Was the right thing to do.
I had already been in the hospital for 1 whole week. Having a c-section for my first child put me on notice about what child birth was about.
8.6 lbs this child was perfectly healthy.
The new parents had arrived the first day of her birth. Having driven through the night to become parents for the first time. I know they were so excited. Being that I was sick with what they ended up calling a "bacteria in my blood" (whatever that ment, cause it just went away one day) the new parents had to cancel a performance. They were suppose to sing at a friends wedding. They both have beautiful voices. I felt bad but I had already said that I wanted two days alone with her, and they never pressured me to change the original plan.
The day finally came. I hadn't slept that night. Other than being up all the time feeding this hungry child I couldn't sleep thinking about the future. Will this really be as open as I would like to see it? Will this child hate me and feel adoption is such a terrible thing like I did growing up? If I give this child up for adoption and never have another child again.......what would I do and feel? This little baby is the only thing on this whole earth that I know to be my own blood and bone....was it really going to be ok?!
The knock on the door......my heart sank to a depth in my stomache I didn't know exsisted.
They really are wonderful and fabulous people. I loved them already. There was no way I could hurt them by changing my mind, especially since I knew I wasn't going to be the parent I wanted my child to have.
There were pictures and promises, tears and smiles. Nervouse feelings deep in my stomach and a sence of excitement for the future for them. I knew this was the right thing. I was gaining a family, not giving up a child. I decided at that moment that this "giving a child up" is the whole wrong terminology. I would now refeer to this adoption thing as gaining a family and never referr to it as "giving up".
I took our baby outside and put her in her tiny car seat. I buckled her in, kissed her over and over. Repeating over and over, "I love you, baby....Always" hoping that some where in that 9 day old mind she would remember and understand that I really, really do love her.
The door shut and as if my eyelids had been a damn for my tears it instantly broke. The flood of tear started falling and didn't stop for hours. I had been so strong until now. I yelled one last time "I love you" knowing in my heart this would not be like my adoption. I would know this beautiful child, she would know me. I knew deep in my heart she would know and hear me tell here I love her again and again in her life. But was it? If I never had another child in life and this was the desision I made with her, the only human being I know to be my own bone and blood, would I hate myself for life? It didn't matter, I was giving her a life I couldn't otherwise. I had 100% faith that this wonderful new family would always keep me in her life. They drove off.....starting the first day of the rest of her life
For me it was different.
Having 2 days to say my own good bye was one thing. It's a time that will always lie very dear to my heart. But more than my own personal gain emotionally, I knew I wasn't cut out to be a mother at 17 years old. I had to get up every 3.5 hours feed, rock and protect this tiny baby. I felt the heaviness of the situation in that 48 hours and I knew I was making the right decision. I could barely, actually, I couldn't at all take care of myself and now here's this baby. A baby that would depend on me to survive, I did not have the focus or stregnth to do it right at that time and no matter how bad it hurt this Was the right thing to do.
I had already been in the hospital for 1 whole week. Having a c-section for my first child put me on notice about what child birth was about.
8.6 lbs this child was perfectly healthy.
The new parents had arrived the first day of her birth. Having driven through the night to become parents for the first time. I know they were so excited. Being that I was sick with what they ended up calling a "bacteria in my blood" (whatever that ment, cause it just went away one day) the new parents had to cancel a performance. They were suppose to sing at a friends wedding. They both have beautiful voices. I felt bad but I had already said that I wanted two days alone with her, and they never pressured me to change the original plan.
The day finally came. I hadn't slept that night. Other than being up all the time feeding this hungry child I couldn't sleep thinking about the future. Will this really be as open as I would like to see it? Will this child hate me and feel adoption is such a terrible thing like I did growing up? If I give this child up for adoption and never have another child again.......what would I do and feel? This little baby is the only thing on this whole earth that I know to be my own blood and bone....was it really going to be ok?!
The knock on the door......my heart sank to a depth in my stomache I didn't know exsisted.
They really are wonderful and fabulous people. I loved them already. There was no way I could hurt them by changing my mind, especially since I knew I wasn't going to be the parent I wanted my child to have.
There were pictures and promises, tears and smiles. Nervouse feelings deep in my stomach and a sence of excitement for the future for them. I knew this was the right thing. I was gaining a family, not giving up a child. I decided at that moment that this "giving a child up" is the whole wrong terminology. I would now refeer to this adoption thing as gaining a family and never referr to it as "giving up".
I took our baby outside and put her in her tiny car seat. I buckled her in, kissed her over and over. Repeating over and over, "I love you, baby....Always" hoping that some where in that 9 day old mind she would remember and understand that I really, really do love her.
The door shut and as if my eyelids had been a damn for my tears it instantly broke. The flood of tear started falling and didn't stop for hours. I had been so strong until now. I yelled one last time "I love you" knowing in my heart this would not be like my adoption. I would know this beautiful child, she would know me. I knew deep in my heart she would know and hear me tell here I love her again and again in her life. But was it? If I never had another child in life and this was the desision I made with her, the only human being I know to be my own bone and blood, would I hate myself for life? It didn't matter, I was giving her a life I couldn't otherwise. I had 100% faith that this wonderful new family would always keep me in her life. They drove off.....starting the first day of the rest of her life
She's 14 now
She's 14 now ----She's in high school now.
I was in high school when I had her!!
She is healthy and happy
She’s in school activities and sports
She has a lot of friends and is confident
She is proud and she is adopted
She has two mothers
She loves me and I love her!
When I was 14...
I was skipping school and failing classes
I was confused and depressed
I had no activities or interest
I couldn't make friends I had no confidence
I was embarrassed that I was adopted
Ashamed, I thought that my mother didn't want me
My family was different than me-I was different than them
I felt alone---I knew I would find my family and find out why
It's clear to me the benefits to open adoption
The damage closed adoption has on an adoptee is also clear
I was in high school when I had her!!
She is healthy and happy
She’s in school activities and sports
She has a lot of friends and is confident
She is proud and she is adopted
She has two mothers
She loves me and I love her!
When I was 14...
I was skipping school and failing classes
I was confused and depressed
I had no activities or interest
I couldn't make friends I had no confidence
I was embarrassed that I was adopted
Ashamed, I thought that my mother didn't want me
My family was different than me-I was different than them
I felt alone---I knew I would find my family and find out why
It's clear to me the benefits to open adoption
The damage closed adoption has on an adoptee is also clear
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)