Being both adopted in a very closed adoption that I don't thing was healthy AT ALL And a mother to a beautiful daughter I placed with an adoptive family almost 16 years ago which IS very open this word adoption means two different things to me. Today on one of the groups I belong to they set it up for us to write what adoption means to us and this is what I wrote.
A nother option
D ividing families
O penness is the only way
P rotecting children
T ool when needed
I ntense emotions on all sides
O nly when there is true love between all families
N ever should be closed in anyway
There’s my shot at it. Hope it doesn't offend anyone. Please remember that I feel adoption is great when a woman makes that decision on her own and when the families have love for one another. That a child doesn't grow up in the dark or feeling uncomfortable wondering about what everyone wonders about naturally. When a child can get the answers they need from the right source their mothers and fathers, natural and adopted. When it is needed and allowed to be open it is a successful way to save a child’s chance in this world but when it isn't it can ruin what chance there may have ever been.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Monday, April 10, 2006
This beautiful card I sent my friend
I received some very bad news this week. My father in Libya was hit by a car and killed...before I was ever able to meet him. Ohhh it hurts so bad...but it is life and what do you do??
I sent this card to my friend and I try and read it everyday myself....I think it's so true and maybe is helping me get through these very trying times...
I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, with out even noticing it, live your way into the answer...
(rainer maria rilke)
I sent this card to my friend and I try and read it everyday myself....I think it's so true and maybe is helping me get through these very trying times...
I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, with out even noticing it, live your way into the answer...
(rainer maria rilke)
Friday, March 31, 2006
Some Great Advice!
The A, B, C's of SEARCHING
A. Anything can and usually does happen when you're searching. If
you're not prepared to deal with the truth of your life, you're not
ready to search. Your natural mother could be dead or may not want to
meet you. Chances are she's alive, living a normal life and is as
anxious to meet you as you are to meet her.
B. Natural mothers never forget. Tucked away somewhere is her memory of
you. It reappears on your birthday and on the day she surrendered you.
C. Cry a lot and laugh a lot during your search. It's healing.
D. Don't expect a reunion to solve all your problems. It won't.
Searching will make you stronger and may answer questions you may have
about yourself, but it will also bring new complications to your life
and possibly new relationships you'll have to deal with.
E. Expect to feel very emotional as your search progresses. It's common
to feel a lot of grief--anger, sadness, hopelessness--as you proceed on
your search.
F. Feelings mean you're doing your work. If you're not feeling
anything, chances are you're running from something. Expect to feel
tremendous highs when you uncover new information on your search and
tremendous lows when you find yourself up against a wall.
G. Go to meetings, get search help and talk about your experience. It
helps to talk to people who are in the same boat as you or who have
gone through their own searches.
H. Hold on, you move too fast. Chances are you haven't dealt with the
intensity of emotions you may experience on your search. Searching can
often feel like a roller-coaster ride. Sometimes by slowing down, and
by not being in such a hurry to have all the information at once,
overwhelming feelings may subside.
I. Inventiveness pays off. You have to be active in your search. Those
who stay on the sidelines don't find. Searching doesn't go by the
numbers. The more inventive you and your search helper are, the better
are your chances of having a successful reunion.
J. Join a search/support group (like Crossroads); people who search
through a group have a better chance of finding and a better chance of
a good reunion.
K. Keep good records. Don't throw away anything that might later
provide an essential clue.
L. Adoptees should listen to the experience of natural mothers in the
group. Chances are you've never met a natural mother--and known it.
This is your opportunity to gain some valuable insights into your own
natural mother. Chances are she didn't give you up because she didn't
love you
M. Meetings. Meetings. Meetings. They provide a safe place to explore
your adoption experience and to gain support from others who are going
through their own search processes.
N. Nice people tend to have smoother reunions. It's understandable to
experience rage at what has happened to you and at your natural mother.
Deal with the feelings of rage as much as you can before you approach
your natural mother. Chances are you'll get off on a better foot that
way.
O. Only the beginning ... Searching is not the end, it's only the
beginning
P. People who don't understand are best left out of the search process.
Expect to hear some people tell you have no right to search for your
natural family, that you are being disloyal and ungrateful to your
adoptive family and that you will destroy your natural mom's life by
revealing her secret. natural mothers don't die from being "exposed."
Experience shows that many natural mothers, once they overcome the
fear, want very much to meet their sons and daughters. Your adoptive
parents won't die because you search, either. It may be painful for
them, but it's your right to search and to know the truth of your life.
Q. Quitting won't get you anywhere. Expect to have powerful feelings of
wanting to quit your search at times, especially if it becomes lengthy
or difficult. You don't have to quit, but sometimes if the emotions
become too intense, you might want to slow the pace of your search and
come to more meetings as a way of understanding what you're feeling.
R. Rejection is every adoptee's middle name. Expect to feel a lot of
fears of rejection as you search. But you will find yourself growing
stronger at every step as you confront these fears. Expect to feel
afraid that your natural mother or adoptive family will reject you for
searching. Chances are this won't happen.
S. Sad as it is to accept, adoption is not all it's cracked up to be.
Your experience hasn't been perfect, and a lot of things have happened
to cause you pain. To believe that your adoption experience has been
perfect is to be in denial. By being in denial you are running away
from painful feelings about yourself and about your life. Running only
makes it worse.
T. Therapists are often useful when you're searching. They can help you
deal with the confusing feelings you may experience. Seeing a therapist
doesn't mean you're sick. It just means you're trying to take care of
your emotional life and to learn more about yourself.
U. Understanding will be a valuable asset when you meet your natural
mother. As you go through your search, you are preparing yourself for
your reunion. Your natural mother is not. She is probably still
in "hiding" and has not conscious idea that you are searching for her.
Occasionally, natural mothers and adoptees do look for each other.
V. Voice your feelings when you go to support group meetings. As hard
as it is to share painful feelings, sharing them will help you deal
with your emotions.
W. Wounds from adoption take time to heal. Be kind to yourself.
X. Xpect to feel that your natural mother is dead. It goes through
everyone's mind. She's probably not dead, but if she is you may have
the opportunity to meet siblings, aunts and uncles and even your
natural father.
Y. You won't die from your feelings. You may feel like you're going to
die during your search experience, but unless you walk in front of a
runaway truck...
Z. Zzzzzz Zzzzzz Zzzzz. Sleep a lot while you're searching. It's a
tiring experience, both physically and emotionally.
A. Anything can and usually does happen when you're searching. If
you're not prepared to deal with the truth of your life, you're not
ready to search. Your natural mother could be dead or may not want to
meet you. Chances are she's alive, living a normal life and is as
anxious to meet you as you are to meet her.
B. Natural mothers never forget. Tucked away somewhere is her memory of
you. It reappears on your birthday and on the day she surrendered you.
C. Cry a lot and laugh a lot during your search. It's healing.
D. Don't expect a reunion to solve all your problems. It won't.
Searching will make you stronger and may answer questions you may have
about yourself, but it will also bring new complications to your life
and possibly new relationships you'll have to deal with.
E. Expect to feel very emotional as your search progresses. It's common
to feel a lot of grief--anger, sadness, hopelessness--as you proceed on
your search.
F. Feelings mean you're doing your work. If you're not feeling
anything, chances are you're running from something. Expect to feel
tremendous highs when you uncover new information on your search and
tremendous lows when you find yourself up against a wall.
G. Go to meetings, get search help and talk about your experience. It
helps to talk to people who are in the same boat as you or who have
gone through their own searches.
H. Hold on, you move too fast. Chances are you haven't dealt with the
intensity of emotions you may experience on your search. Searching can
often feel like a roller-coaster ride. Sometimes by slowing down, and
by not being in such a hurry to have all the information at once,
overwhelming feelings may subside.
I. Inventiveness pays off. You have to be active in your search. Those
who stay on the sidelines don't find. Searching doesn't go by the
numbers. The more inventive you and your search helper are, the better
are your chances of having a successful reunion.
J. Join a search/support group (like Crossroads); people who search
through a group have a better chance of finding and a better chance of
a good reunion.
K. Keep good records. Don't throw away anything that might later
provide an essential clue.
L. Adoptees should listen to the experience of natural mothers in the
group. Chances are you've never met a natural mother--and known it.
This is your opportunity to gain some valuable insights into your own
natural mother. Chances are she didn't give you up because she didn't
love you
M. Meetings. Meetings. Meetings. They provide a safe place to explore
your adoption experience and to gain support from others who are going
through their own search processes.
N. Nice people tend to have smoother reunions. It's understandable to
experience rage at what has happened to you and at your natural mother.
Deal with the feelings of rage as much as you can before you approach
your natural mother. Chances are you'll get off on a better foot that
way.
O. Only the beginning ... Searching is not the end, it's only the
beginning
P. People who don't understand are best left out of the search process.
Expect to hear some people tell you have no right to search for your
natural family, that you are being disloyal and ungrateful to your
adoptive family and that you will destroy your natural mom's life by
revealing her secret. natural mothers don't die from being "exposed."
Experience shows that many natural mothers, once they overcome the
fear, want very much to meet their sons and daughters. Your adoptive
parents won't die because you search, either. It may be painful for
them, but it's your right to search and to know the truth of your life.
Q. Quitting won't get you anywhere. Expect to have powerful feelings of
wanting to quit your search at times, especially if it becomes lengthy
or difficult. You don't have to quit, but sometimes if the emotions
become too intense, you might want to slow the pace of your search and
come to more meetings as a way of understanding what you're feeling.
R. Rejection is every adoptee's middle name. Expect to feel a lot of
fears of rejection as you search. But you will find yourself growing
stronger at every step as you confront these fears. Expect to feel
afraid that your natural mother or adoptive family will reject you for
searching. Chances are this won't happen.
S. Sad as it is to accept, adoption is not all it's cracked up to be.
Your experience hasn't been perfect, and a lot of things have happened
to cause you pain. To believe that your adoption experience has been
perfect is to be in denial. By being in denial you are running away
from painful feelings about yourself and about your life. Running only
makes it worse.
T. Therapists are often useful when you're searching. They can help you
deal with the confusing feelings you may experience. Seeing a therapist
doesn't mean you're sick. It just means you're trying to take care of
your emotional life and to learn more about yourself.
U. Understanding will be a valuable asset when you meet your natural
mother. As you go through your search, you are preparing yourself for
your reunion. Your natural mother is not. She is probably still
in "hiding" and has not conscious idea that you are searching for her.
Occasionally, natural mothers and adoptees do look for each other.
V. Voice your feelings when you go to support group meetings. As hard
as it is to share painful feelings, sharing them will help you deal
with your emotions.
W. Wounds from adoption take time to heal. Be kind to yourself.
X. Xpect to feel that your natural mother is dead. It goes through
everyone's mind. She's probably not dead, but if she is you may have
the opportunity to meet siblings, aunts and uncles and even your
natural father.
Y. You won't die from your feelings. You may feel like you're going to
die during your search experience, but unless you walk in front of a
runaway truck...
Z. Zzzzzz Zzzzzz Zzzzz. Sleep a lot while you're searching. It's a
tiring experience, both physically and emotionally.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Adoption in Islam
This was posted today in a group I belong to that is very Anti-Adoption. I find this especially interesting because I am Arabic. My father was an exchange student in his first year when my mother got pregnant. I didn't know I was Arab until I was 16 and a letter surfaced that my parents had since I was 6 years old. I didn't know what country until I was 25 and found my mother. I'm 32 now and have tryed to connect with some of my culture but the Arab-Americans that I meet don't understand really when I tell them that I'm arab, but my name is Shannon and I haven't met my father face to face yet. So I'm not Arab enough to even get to learn about being arab and I'm not all american white girl enough for these people in Montana...not that I want to be. I've found my own place being proud for being different but... anyway I find this article to be EXTREMELY interesting.
Adopting a Child in Islam
Islamic legal rulings about foster parenting and adoption
The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) once said that a person who cares for an orphaned child will be in Paradise with him, and motioned to show that they would be as close as two fingers of a single hand. An orphan himself, Muhammad paid special attention to the care of children. He himself adopted a former slave and raised him with the same care as if he were his own son.
However, the Qur'an gives specific rules about the legal relationship between a child and his/her adoptive family. The child's biological family is never hidden; their ties to the child are never severed. The Qur'an specifically reminds adoptive parents that they are not the child's biological parents:
"...Nor has He made your adopted sons your (biological) sons. Such is (only) your (manner of) speech by your mouths. But Allah tells (you) the Truth, and He shows the (right) Way. Call them by (the names of) their fathers; that is juster in the sight of Allah. But if you know not their father's (names, call them) your brothers in faith, or your trustees. But there is no blame on you if you make a mistake therein. (What counts is) the intention of your hearts. And Allah is Oft-Returning, Most Merciful."
(Qur'an 33:4-5)
The guardian/child relationship has specific rules under Islamic law, which render the relationship a bit different than what is common adoption practice today. The Islamic term for what is commonly called adoption is kafala, which comes from a word that means "to feed." In essence, it describes more of a foster-parent relationship. Some of the rules in Islam surrounding this relationship:
An adopted child retains his or her own biological family name (surname) and does not change his or her name to match that of the adoptive family.
An adopted child inherits from his or her biological parents, not automatically from the adoptive parents.
When the child is grown, members of the adoptive family are not considered blood relatives, and are therefore not muhrim to him or her. "Muhrim" refers to a specific legal relationship that regulates marriage and other aspects of life. Essentially, members of the adoptive family would be permissible as possible marriage partners, and rules of modesty exist between the grown child and adoptive family members of the opposite sex.
If the child is provided with property/wealth from the biological family, adoptive parents are commanded to take care and not intermingle that property/wealth with their own. They serve merely as trustees.
These Islamic rules emphasize to the adoptive family that they are not taking the place of the biological family -- they are trustees and caretakers of someone else's child. Their role is very clearly defined, but nevertheless very valued and important.
It is also important to note that in Islam, the extended family network is vast and very strong. It is rare for a child to be completely orphaned, without a single family member to care for him or her. Islam places a great emphasis on the ties of kinship -- a completely abandoned child is practically unheard of. Islamic law would place an emphasis on locating a relative to care for the child, before allowing someone outside of the family, much less the community or country, to adopt and remove the child from his or her familial, cultural, and religious roots. This is especially important during times of war, famine, or economic crisis -- when families may be temporarily uprooted or divided.
Adopting a Child in Islam
Islamic legal rulings about foster parenting and adoption
The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) once said that a person who cares for an orphaned child will be in Paradise with him, and motioned to show that they would be as close as two fingers of a single hand. An orphan himself, Muhammad paid special attention to the care of children. He himself adopted a former slave and raised him with the same care as if he were his own son.
However, the Qur'an gives specific rules about the legal relationship between a child and his/her adoptive family. The child's biological family is never hidden; their ties to the child are never severed. The Qur'an specifically reminds adoptive parents that they are not the child's biological parents:
"...Nor has He made your adopted sons your (biological) sons. Such is (only) your (manner of) speech by your mouths. But Allah tells (you) the Truth, and He shows the (right) Way. Call them by (the names of) their fathers; that is juster in the sight of Allah. But if you know not their father's (names, call them) your brothers in faith, or your trustees. But there is no blame on you if you make a mistake therein. (What counts is) the intention of your hearts. And Allah is Oft-Returning, Most Merciful."
(Qur'an 33:4-5)
The guardian/child relationship has specific rules under Islamic law, which render the relationship a bit different than what is common adoption practice today. The Islamic term for what is commonly called adoption is kafala, which comes from a word that means "to feed." In essence, it describes more of a foster-parent relationship. Some of the rules in Islam surrounding this relationship:
An adopted child retains his or her own biological family name (surname) and does not change his or her name to match that of the adoptive family.
An adopted child inherits from his or her biological parents, not automatically from the adoptive parents.
When the child is grown, members of the adoptive family are not considered blood relatives, and are therefore not muhrim to him or her. "Muhrim" refers to a specific legal relationship that regulates marriage and other aspects of life. Essentially, members of the adoptive family would be permissible as possible marriage partners, and rules of modesty exist between the grown child and adoptive family members of the opposite sex.
If the child is provided with property/wealth from the biological family, adoptive parents are commanded to take care and not intermingle that property/wealth with their own. They serve merely as trustees.
These Islamic rules emphasize to the adoptive family that they are not taking the place of the biological family -- they are trustees and caretakers of someone else's child. Their role is very clearly defined, but nevertheless very valued and important.
It is also important to note that in Islam, the extended family network is vast and very strong. It is rare for a child to be completely orphaned, without a single family member to care for him or her. Islam places a great emphasis on the ties of kinship -- a completely abandoned child is practically unheard of. Islamic law would place an emphasis on locating a relative to care for the child, before allowing someone outside of the family, much less the community or country, to adopt and remove the child from his or her familial, cultural, and religious roots. This is especially important during times of war, famine, or economic crisis -- when families may be temporarily uprooted or divided.
My previous post
I just posted an article about a disaster open adoption. Believe me when I tell you there are more possible things that can and sometimes will go wrong than we can imagine. Just to clarify what I believe needs to happen compared to what was sold to this girl as open adoption. My belief is that if a person is going to adopt a child that they need to be choosen by a natural mother that finds things that they may have in comman. I believe those parties need to meet, spend time together and truly love one another, relize how important it is to have all of these people in this childs life. I believe if adopted parents don't feel that way toward the natural parents or if they feel fear, selfishness, jealousy of the natural parents or visa versa this move should NOT be made. Now of course some people are going to pretend to feel one way to get what they want and then change their mind... This is why the laws need to support whatever the agreement was that the parties came up with before birth.
The adopted mother on this story sounds like a very greedy, selfish person. I'm so sorry for the natural mother that lost her heart and life behind all of this. The stats saying 80% end up closed makes me sick in my stomach. It is NOT ok to lie to a natural mother than leave her out there like that...what I would like to say though is for the 20% that are going as planned...how great is it for their children that they are growing up not wondering and feeling true love from all parties. How many natural mothers committed suicide just over wondering...we would never hear that story.
This story is sad and proves how much needs to change...but can't we see the little change that is happening is great for those children!!
Shannon
The adopted mother on this story sounds like a very greedy, selfish person. I'm so sorry for the natural mother that lost her heart and life behind all of this. The stats saying 80% end up closed makes me sick in my stomach. It is NOT ok to lie to a natural mother than leave her out there like that...what I would like to say though is for the 20% that are going as planned...how great is it for their children that they are growing up not wondering and feeling true love from all parties. How many natural mothers committed suicide just over wondering...we would never hear that story.
This story is sad and proves how much needs to change...but can't we see the little change that is happening is great for those children!!
Shannon
Pitfalls of Open Adoption
In Memoriam: Cindy Jordan
The lure and pitfalls of open adoption
Most pregnant women who are contemplating adoption for their child are aware that there are various formulas from which they can choose. An increasingly popular form of adoption is what is known as "open adoption", in which the parties agree to varying degrees of openness toward each other with respect to their identities and whereabouts, and to varying degrees of ongoing contact after placement. In fact, the possibility of having an open adoption and thus ensuring ongoing contact with their child after his or her adoption is a deciding factor for many women who would otherwise keep their baby.
If you are an unsupported pregnant woman looking into adoption and you think this kind of arrangement sounds like the best of both worlds, you should know that if you select this path, the arrangement you will be arriving at with your child's adoptive parents will not be legally enforceable. You will be literally at the mercy of your child's adoptive parents' willingness to allow you access to your child as promised.
One American source suggests as many as 80% of 'open adoptions' are unilaterally closed by adoptive parents in the first year after the adoption is finalized. These just aren't good odds for a mother contemplating adoption for her child. Chances are, if they promise you'll get to visit your child, you won't. Some 'open adoptions' are only a letter or a photo once or twice a year. Even in these types of adoption, adoptive parents often renege. The grief of mothers who lose their children again in these ways is increased by the knowledge that their 'choice' is not respected, and that people who don't respect their own promises are raising their children.
You should also be aware that some unscrupulous prospective adoptive parents and "adoption facilitators" use the lure of open adoption to convince pregnant women to place their babies for adoption, knowing all the while that they have no intention of honoring their promises.
Sometimes, failure to live up to such agreements can have tragic consequences. Cindy Jordan, the natural mother of 3-year-old Malia, took her own life on April 8th , and the pitfalls of open adoption may have played a role in her untimely death.
Cindy's daughter, Malia, was placed in a semi-open adoption with Susan Burns, whose book entitled "Fast Track Adoption" was published last December. Here is how Amazon describes "Fast Track Adoption":
Most couples in the U.S. have to wait up to seven years to adopt an infant domestically-and all the expense and waiting doesn't always result in a successful adoption. Now, rather than relying on slow-paced and expensive adoption agencies, many couples are choosing to privately adopt a child. By eliminating the adoption agency, couples can customize and control their own adoption plan.
Inside this book, couples will learn how becoming proactive in the adoption process may significantly speed up the adoption. Following the Fast Track method, readers will learn how to:
Establish a budget
Assemble a professional team
Obtain an approved home study
Prepare an effective family profile
Advertise for and talk to potential birth mothers
Detect warning signs for frauds and scams
Be prepared at the hospital
With this book as their guide, potential parents can actively pick their own birth mother. By doing so, couples will save time and money, reduce stress, and, most importantly, find a baby to adopt.
If you think that this sounds like a blueprint for manipulating the adoption process and a vulnerable pregnant woman to your advantage, you are right. The press release on "Fast Track Adoption" was written by Laurie Frisch, of Origins USA.
Cindy, who had by then begun her descent into depression following the unilateral closing of her daughter's adoption by Ms. Burns, found out by accident about the book. Here is a posting she wrote to an on-line group she belonged to, after reading the book written by her daughter's adoptive mother and finding out about the method used to obtain her daughter:
1/21/04
I am lost again . I so much do not even know what to think .. I know now that all the bonding they did with me was all part of a plan .. a plan to make me feel good at the time .. and to "ensure" a successful candidate for placement .. I feel sick ..
This is a specific on-line comment that Cindy made about Susan Burns:
1/26/04
…with Sue I gave more I gave a part of me . and I thought she liked me for me but if you like someone you want to interact with them not forget they exist…
To find out more about Cindy Jordan, please follow this link:
http://lifemothers.com/cindyjordan.html
May you rest in peace Cindy. You are not forgotten.
April 2004
"What you should know if you're considering adoption for your baby"... Heather Lowe
The lure and pitfalls of open adoption
Most pregnant women who are contemplating adoption for their child are aware that there are various formulas from which they can choose. An increasingly popular form of adoption is what is known as "open adoption", in which the parties agree to varying degrees of openness toward each other with respect to their identities and whereabouts, and to varying degrees of ongoing contact after placement. In fact, the possibility of having an open adoption and thus ensuring ongoing contact with their child after his or her adoption is a deciding factor for many women who would otherwise keep their baby.
If you are an unsupported pregnant woman looking into adoption and you think this kind of arrangement sounds like the best of both worlds, you should know that if you select this path, the arrangement you will be arriving at with your child's adoptive parents will not be legally enforceable. You will be literally at the mercy of your child's adoptive parents' willingness to allow you access to your child as promised.
One American source suggests as many as 80% of 'open adoptions' are unilaterally closed by adoptive parents in the first year after the adoption is finalized. These just aren't good odds for a mother contemplating adoption for her child. Chances are, if they promise you'll get to visit your child, you won't. Some 'open adoptions' are only a letter or a photo once or twice a year. Even in these types of adoption, adoptive parents often renege. The grief of mothers who lose their children again in these ways is increased by the knowledge that their 'choice' is not respected, and that people who don't respect their own promises are raising their children.
You should also be aware that some unscrupulous prospective adoptive parents and "adoption facilitators" use the lure of open adoption to convince pregnant women to place their babies for adoption, knowing all the while that they have no intention of honoring their promises.
Sometimes, failure to live up to such agreements can have tragic consequences. Cindy Jordan, the natural mother of 3-year-old Malia, took her own life on April 8th , and the pitfalls of open adoption may have played a role in her untimely death.
Cindy's daughter, Malia, was placed in a semi-open adoption with Susan Burns, whose book entitled "Fast Track Adoption" was published last December. Here is how Amazon describes "Fast Track Adoption":
Most couples in the U.S. have to wait up to seven years to adopt an infant domestically-and all the expense and waiting doesn't always result in a successful adoption. Now, rather than relying on slow-paced and expensive adoption agencies, many couples are choosing to privately adopt a child. By eliminating the adoption agency, couples can customize and control their own adoption plan.
Inside this book, couples will learn how becoming proactive in the adoption process may significantly speed up the adoption. Following the Fast Track method, readers will learn how to:
Establish a budget
Assemble a professional team
Obtain an approved home study
Prepare an effective family profile
Advertise for and talk to potential birth mothers
Detect warning signs for frauds and scams
Be prepared at the hospital
With this book as their guide, potential parents can actively pick their own birth mother. By doing so, couples will save time and money, reduce stress, and, most importantly, find a baby to adopt.
If you think that this sounds like a blueprint for manipulating the adoption process and a vulnerable pregnant woman to your advantage, you are right. The press release on "Fast Track Adoption" was written by Laurie Frisch, of Origins USA.
Cindy, who had by then begun her descent into depression following the unilateral closing of her daughter's adoption by Ms. Burns, found out by accident about the book. Here is a posting she wrote to an on-line group she belonged to, after reading the book written by her daughter's adoptive mother and finding out about the method used to obtain her daughter:
1/21/04
I am lost again . I so much do not even know what to think .. I know now that all the bonding they did with me was all part of a plan .. a plan to make me feel good at the time .. and to "ensure" a successful candidate for placement .. I feel sick ..
This is a specific on-line comment that Cindy made about Susan Burns:
1/26/04
…with Sue I gave more I gave a part of me . and I thought she liked me for me but if you like someone you want to interact with them not forget they exist…
To find out more about Cindy Jordan, please follow this link:
http://lifemothers.com/cindyjordan.html
May you rest in peace Cindy. You are not forgotten.
April 2004
"What you should know if you're considering adoption for your baby"... Heather Lowe
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Open Adoption
I just posted one of the most beautiful stories of open adoption I have read!! I've lived this myself so I know it is possible. The things is I've been beat up on a bit by people who hate me or dislike my message because they say, adoption is not beautiful and that Love is not the answer.
This child is still young but as an adoptee I have no dout this child will NOT have the issues created for me because of adoption. I grew up curious and lost in wonder why? and who? All of which created all kinds of closeness in relationship problems, trust problems and feelings of abandonment. When a child does know where they came from and heard it from that persons mouth why they had been placed. They experience and feel the love from that party as well, they don't wonder and wish their whole lives. They don't have to search as an adult and have unrealistic expectations that don't end up being true to only feel unwanted again. They will always know.
Over the past 4 months or so I have been very active on line about what I wish to see the adoption industry do more of and have been attacked time and time again by people who say that adoption is not beautiful and that Love is not the answer and that I sound corny and undereducated for saying such things.
This story as well as the one I have lived (not to mention many others people have shared with me) proves it. Love, true love for other people involved is what works.
I feel like this. If you can't find a family that you love I mean really really love and are ready to be a part of their lives for life than you should NOT be placing your child. If you want to adopt and you don't LOVE, again, Really really love the woman who is giving birth to that child and are prepared to have her in your life for good, then you shouldn't adopt. You shouldn't agree to open adoption just to get a child and not really like the woman who is giving birth to that baby.
IT IS NOT WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILD! What is best is this love...As these women in this story have and as I do with the family who has been parents to my daughter for 15 years now.
So call me corny for saying love is the answer or even say I sound undereducated but it is the TRUTH!!
This child is still young but as an adoptee I have no dout this child will NOT have the issues created for me because of adoption. I grew up curious and lost in wonder why? and who? All of which created all kinds of closeness in relationship problems, trust problems and feelings of abandonment. When a child does know where they came from and heard it from that persons mouth why they had been placed. They experience and feel the love from that party as well, they don't wonder and wish their whole lives. They don't have to search as an adult and have unrealistic expectations that don't end up being true to only feel unwanted again. They will always know.
Over the past 4 months or so I have been very active on line about what I wish to see the adoption industry do more of and have been attacked time and time again by people who say that adoption is not beautiful and that Love is not the answer and that I sound corny and undereducated for saying such things.
This story as well as the one I have lived (not to mention many others people have shared with me) proves it. Love, true love for other people involved is what works.
I feel like this. If you can't find a family that you love I mean really really love and are ready to be a part of their lives for life than you should NOT be placing your child. If you want to adopt and you don't LOVE, again, Really really love the woman who is giving birth to that child and are prepared to have her in your life for good, then you shouldn't adopt. You shouldn't agree to open adoption just to get a child and not really like the woman who is giving birth to that baby.
IT IS NOT WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILD! What is best is this love...As these women in this story have and as I do with the family who has been parents to my daughter for 15 years now.
So call me corny for saying love is the answer or even say I sound undereducated but it is the TRUTH!!
The most Beautiful open adoption story!!
Open adoption, broken heart
I knew it would be hard for my daughter's birth mother to give her up. I just didn't expect to feel so guilty for taking her.
By Dawn Friedman
http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2006/03/08/open_adoption/
March 8, 2006 | The first time I met my daughter, Madison, she wasn't mine yet and I wasn't sure she would ever be. I stared into her solemn face and looked shyly at her mother, Jessica.
"Can I pick her up?" I asked.
"Of course," she said proudly.
There was nothing about her that was familiar -- not her round face, her tuft of hair, the heft of her body. When I gazed at her, I felt enormous tenderness and the quiet stirring of potential love, but I didn't know her. And I was afraid to look too closely because I knew that, just as I had felt the shift and click of my son's life falling into place after his birth seven years before, so Jessica was coming to know Madison. All those months, she had thought she was carrying just any baby when all along it was Madison. She was saying to her daughter what I had said to my son: "Oh, it was you!"
Adoption social workers say that every woman needs to say hello to her baby before she can know if she can say goodbye. But I wanted to say hello to Madison, too. I wanted to let myself fall in love with her. I wanted to unwrap her and examine each little limb, bury my face in her neck, let my fingers trail across her features. But she wasn't mine. I grieved her even as I knew she wasn't mine to grieve.
Three days after Madison's birth I watched my husband buckle her into the car seat, and then I climbed into the back seat beside her. I thought about Jessica, who we'd left sobbing in the maternity ward. I knew her arms were aching for her daughter, the daughter that was now ours.
"She's beautiful," I said to my husband. He glanced into the rearview mirror. "I know," he said. We sped through the gray morning, heading home.
"I feel like a kidnapper," I told him.
"I know," he said.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
My husband and I came to open adoption filled with hopeful naiveté. We tried for several years (and several miscarriages) to have a second child, but when our infertility doctor said we might need more extensive treatment, we decided to walk away. A few months later, we began to explore adoption. Foster-to-adopt, we decided, would be too emotionally risky for ourselves and, more importantly, for our then 6-year-old son. International adoption was too expensive. But when we found domestic infant adoption through a local nonprofit agency, we realized that we had found our way to be parents again.
We knew that our adoption would be at least semi-open. We would be sharing our vital statistics -- first names, ages, religion, as well as carefully chosen pictures -- with birth mothers, as per the agency's requirements. But we wanted more. We wanted a fully open adoption with an ongoing relationship and continuing contact. We wanted holiday visits, regular phone calls and even -- dare we hope -- contact with the extended birth family. We felt our baby-to-be would benefit from knowing his or her origins; we considered it a birthright. We also strongly believed birth parents were due some kind of relationship with their children and with their children's adoptive parents -- if they wanted one.
We weathered the fear-mongering tales of well-intentioned friends and acquaintances, people who had watched nightly news stories of toddlers snatched by their birth parents from adoptive families who had cared for them since birth. We listened as they wondered aloud what kind of woman would have the strength to walk away from her baby and then come back for occasional visits. "What if she kidnaps the baby?" they'd say. "What if she treats you like babysitters?"
Other adoptive parents we knew chose to go abroad in part because they were alarmed by the trend toward increasing openness in domestic infant adoptions. "Won't you feel jealous?" they'd ask. "Won't it confuse the child? What if your child likes her more than she likes you?"
I dismissed their concerns with all of the blind optimism of someone who had waited through four years of infertility for a baby and now finally thought she might get one. "Don't be surprised if you get placed quickly," our social worker told us. "Most adoptive parents aren't ready to be that open, and it's something a lot of birth mothers look for."
Our agency asked that each hopeful adoptive family put together what they called a profile and other adoption professionals sometimes call a "Dear Birth Mom" letter. (The reason they call it a profile, our agency explained, is that a pregnant woman considering adoption is not a birth mother; she is an expectant mother and should be respected as such.) When a woman came to the agency saying she was considering placing her child for adoption, they gathered at least five profiles to share with her. The profiles were pulled on the basis of any requirements that she might have. If a potential birth mother said she wanted an adoptive family where one parent was a teacher, only the teacher profiles would be pulled. If none of the profiles appealed to the woman, she could ask for more.
The profile contained information about us, about our path to adoption and our intentions as adoptive parents. And the profiles are usually printed out on pretty paper.
"Pretty paper?" I asked Denise, our social worker, when she gave us the instructions.
"It matters," she said. "You'd be surprised."
It was a lot of pressure to take to the stationery store. My son and I spent a long time analyzing our choices. I rejected the pastel baby feet as too pushy, the blue sky and clouds as too ethereal. I finally decided on white with a tasteful abstract green border. We made a dozen copies and dropped them off at the agency.
While our agency allowed "matches" as early as the seventh month, they stressed to us that a match was nothing more than a woman expressing her right to consider an adoption plan. It was not the promise of a baby, it was not a guarantee that we would be parents again.
"There is always a 50 percent chance that a woman who chooses you will change her mind," Denise made clear. "A real baby changes things and no matter how sure she is while she's pregnant, she will need to make that decision again once she has the baby." It was a common refrain from the agency during our wait: "Guard your heart," they told us. "The baby isn't yours until the papers are signed."
Seven months after completing our adoption homestudy, our social worker called. "There's a woman who seems like a good fit for you, and we would like to share your profile with her."
Jessica was 19, they told us, and African-American. The birth father, who was choosing not to be involved, was white, like us. The baby was healthy -- Jessica's prenatal care had been good. "And it says here what she's having," Denise added. "Do you want to know?"
We did. A girl, she told us, due April 4. A week later we got another call. Jessica wanted to meet with us.
Our agency facilitated our first meeting at a downtown restaurant. Jessica brought three of her closest friends, and we all sat across from each other fidgeting awkwardly. Jessica was polite, guarded but not shy, and greeted us with sonogram pictures of the baby she was carrying. She was due in two months and feeling good.
I liked Jessica right away. I liked her confidence and sense of humor. I liked her wide smile. And I liked how direct she was with us. "I'm going to name the baby Madison," she told us. "You can change it later but that's the name I'm going to give her."
When it was time to go we exchanged phone numbers and last names. Over the next few weeks she and I talked regularly -- not just about Madison but about other things, too. Politics, music, Jessica's plans to travel and go to school. One day I hung up the phone after a particularly long conversation and told my husband, "If she decides not to place Madison, she'll be a good mother."
We talked about the adoption, too, about what her plans were and why she chose us to be part of it. Those reasons are complex and not ones I feel I can share here.
"You already had a son," she said. " I liked knowing Madison would have a brother. I also liked what you said about including me. And the paper. I liked your paper. It was tasteful."
At the first meeting at the restaurant, Jessica told us that she knew she would want to be alone with Madison for the three days before she could legally sign the surrender. We said we understood. But the morning that Madison was born she called to say that she had changed her mind and wanted us to come in.
"I need to see you with her," she said simply.
Even after we arrived home with Madison, I could not get Jessica's tears out of my mind. I felt numb. I didn't know how to answer when people congratulated us. They saw only the happy event, but each time Madison cried I felt sure that every one of her ordinary infant sorrows was magnified by the separation from her birth mother. This was not the gauzy, soft-focus motherhood I had envisioned.
Jessica was everywhere because she was in my daughter. The shape of her brown eyes, the curve of her face -- they became mixed up in my mind. During every diaper change I'd gaze at Madison's small body and imagine how Jessica must have looked at one week old. They mirrored each other; the vulnerability of the mother who had given up her child and the child who had lost her mother.
"You need to move on," friends said. "You need to let Jessica move on. Quit taking her phone calls. Step up and be Madison's mother!" But no one could tell me how to be her mother when she already had a mother. I could care for her -- rock her, feed her, and sing her to sleep -- but something would not allow me to claim her.
Was it the phone calls? Jessica called about once a week to hear how Madison was doing and to tell me what was going on in her life. I kept my stories sweet and lively. She was working hard to put her life back in order and was forthright with me about her struggles. She missed Madison, she told me. The decision was the right one but oh, she missed her. I welcomed our talks even as I shrank from them. I felt it was my duty to hear her cry. It was the least I could do, I thought, because I had her baby. My guilt was a necessary purgatory, an inadequate payment for my privilege.
Each time, I would hang up determined to embrace Madison as my own. Jessica wanted me to be Madison's mother, didn't she? She chose me. She signed the papers. She had released her to me, and now I was failing her trust.
So I went through the motions. I sang to Madison so she would learn my voice. I strapped her to me and walked in circles so she would learn the rhythm of my movements. I hoped proximity would breed devotion. But I felt like a liar when we went out and people said what a pretty baby I had. Not my baby, I wanted to tell them, anxious not to take Jessica's credit.
"She even looks like you!" some gushed. Of course this wasn't true. Her smooth coffee-with-cream skin is nothing like my own rosy complexion. Such was their strong determination to fit her to our family.
"She looks just like her birth mother," I'd reply. I wanted them to see Jessica, to acknowledge her. I couldn't stand to have her obliterated, even in casual conversation. It was if they were trying to deny the truth of Madison, the fact of who she was beyond being my adoptive daughter. I didn't want to pretend that she came to us without her own history. But at the same time, polite society seemed to want to dismiss her origins. Per United States law, Madison's post-adoption birth certificate even listed me as the woman who gave birth to her.
The next time Jessica called, I tentatively told her how I was feeling. "I can't stop thinking about you and how hard this must be," I said, my voice cracking. "I know how sad you are..."
"I don't want you to feel guilty," Jessica admonished me. "I want you to love her. I need you to love her and be happy."
"But how can I be happy when you're hurting so much?" I asked.
"It's easier when I think of you cherishing her," she said. "I need you to do that for her and for me, too. I don't regret this."
I wanted it to make better sense. We didn't find Madison languishing in a destitute orphanage. She didn't come to us with a history of abuse and neglect. I didn't know how to justify this great gift of her presence in our lives at the expense of her mother. If there just something I could hang it on, an obvious reason that Madison was better off with us -- but there wasn't. There was just the word of her first mother who said, "This is what I need to do."
In my lowest moments, I would browse the list of adoptive parents on our agency's Web site. One night, I happened upon a profile of a fantastic family, African-American professionals who ran a newspaper and had a daughter the same age as my son. They should have gotten Madison, I thought. They were better educated than me, had better jobs -- and could give Madison the one thing I never could: a connection to the black community.
My friend Elisabeth, who used to do patient support at an abortion clinic, took me to task.
"This is a choice issue," she told me. "You keep telling me how strong and smart Jessica is, but you're second-guessing her. That's not fair."
"I just want us to both be winners in this," I said.
"There is more than one way to be a winner here," she replied. "Stop denigrating Jessica's decision."
I had been picturing the two of us balanced on opposite sides of a tipping scale. If one of us was the real mother, then the other one was not. If one of us was happy, then the other must be sad. But when I hung up with Elisabeth, I realized that I couldn't ease Jessica's struggle by taking it on as my own. Besides that's not what Jessica wanted; she did not want her sorrow to color these first months of Madison's life. It was my guilt that betrayed her, not my love for Madison.
When I stopped feeling so consumed by what Jessica had lost, I was able to find joy in what I gained, the everyday pleasures of parenting again -- dressing my daughter, giving her a bath. Certainly, with that joy came vulnerability and the insecurity my worried friends predicted. Sometimes I don't want to share Madison. Sometimes I want to feel that I am the only mother she has and will ever need. But even at it's most challenging, I still believe in openness. How much easier it will be for our daughter, I think, to never have to search for her roots. She will never have to wonder why her first mother chose adoption; she can ask her.
Jessica lives in our city and visits when her busy life allows, which ends up being about once a month, and we e-mail and phone more often. A few weeks ago she came over and made us jerk chicken with mango salsa; she is studying to be a chef. We joked that now we know where Madison gets her enthusiastic love of good food. After dinner I shared the beginnings of this essay with her and we cried a bit together.
"I didn't know it was so hard for you," she said.
"Well," I shrugged, helplessly. "I didn't know how to tell you."
Last summer Jessica and I took a trip to Washington together so Madison could meet her extended birth family. Jessica was hoping, in part, to show them that it had all worked out OK and that her decision to place Madison with us was a good one. As an interracial family already, the transracial aspect did not grieve them; it was the loss of this wondrous first grandchild to strangers. "When they see us together, how things are, they'll understand," Jessica assured me. Still we were both nervous.
The family reunion took place at a country club on a beautiful cool summer evening. It was amazing to meet people who looked like Jessica and thus just like Madison, too. I kept my camera ready. Madison, open and sunny, charmed everyone, and several people took me aside to thank me for making the trip. "It's my pleasure," I said honestly.
"She looks like her mother," said someone admiringly, and I felt the discomfort the comment left in the room. "Yes, she does," I rushed to say. "She has Jessica's beautiful smile." And they were generous with me, too. "Better ask your mommy," said Jessica's father when Madison reached for another slice of cake. Then he handed her to me although I know it pained him.
When the party spilled outdoors, Madison and Jessica wandered away to play in one of the sand traps on the club's golf course. I stood on the edge and snapped a series of pictures -- first Madison and Jessica crouching together to poke at the sand. Then Madison with her head thrown back to look up at Jessica while Jessica gazed down at her, smiling with great tenderness. Then a shot of Madison laughing and running away. Running toward me.
About the writer
Dawn Friedman lives and works in Columbus, Ohio.
I knew it would be hard for my daughter's birth mother to give her up. I just didn't expect to feel so guilty for taking her.
By Dawn Friedman
http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2006/03/08/open_adoption/
March 8, 2006 | The first time I met my daughter, Madison, she wasn't mine yet and I wasn't sure she would ever be. I stared into her solemn face and looked shyly at her mother, Jessica.
"Can I pick her up?" I asked.
"Of course," she said proudly.
There was nothing about her that was familiar -- not her round face, her tuft of hair, the heft of her body. When I gazed at her, I felt enormous tenderness and the quiet stirring of potential love, but I didn't know her. And I was afraid to look too closely because I knew that, just as I had felt the shift and click of my son's life falling into place after his birth seven years before, so Jessica was coming to know Madison. All those months, she had thought she was carrying just any baby when all along it was Madison. She was saying to her daughter what I had said to my son: "Oh, it was you!"
Adoption social workers say that every woman needs to say hello to her baby before she can know if she can say goodbye. But I wanted to say hello to Madison, too. I wanted to let myself fall in love with her. I wanted to unwrap her and examine each little limb, bury my face in her neck, let my fingers trail across her features. But she wasn't mine. I grieved her even as I knew she wasn't mine to grieve.
Three days after Madison's birth I watched my husband buckle her into the car seat, and then I climbed into the back seat beside her. I thought about Jessica, who we'd left sobbing in the maternity ward. I knew her arms were aching for her daughter, the daughter that was now ours.
"She's beautiful," I said to my husband. He glanced into the rearview mirror. "I know," he said. We sped through the gray morning, heading home.
"I feel like a kidnapper," I told him.
"I know," he said.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
My husband and I came to open adoption filled with hopeful naiveté. We tried for several years (and several miscarriages) to have a second child, but when our infertility doctor said we might need more extensive treatment, we decided to walk away. A few months later, we began to explore adoption. Foster-to-adopt, we decided, would be too emotionally risky for ourselves and, more importantly, for our then 6-year-old son. International adoption was too expensive. But when we found domestic infant adoption through a local nonprofit agency, we realized that we had found our way to be parents again.
We knew that our adoption would be at least semi-open. We would be sharing our vital statistics -- first names, ages, religion, as well as carefully chosen pictures -- with birth mothers, as per the agency's requirements. But we wanted more. We wanted a fully open adoption with an ongoing relationship and continuing contact. We wanted holiday visits, regular phone calls and even -- dare we hope -- contact with the extended birth family. We felt our baby-to-be would benefit from knowing his or her origins; we considered it a birthright. We also strongly believed birth parents were due some kind of relationship with their children and with their children's adoptive parents -- if they wanted one.
We weathered the fear-mongering tales of well-intentioned friends and acquaintances, people who had watched nightly news stories of toddlers snatched by their birth parents from adoptive families who had cared for them since birth. We listened as they wondered aloud what kind of woman would have the strength to walk away from her baby and then come back for occasional visits. "What if she kidnaps the baby?" they'd say. "What if she treats you like babysitters?"
Other adoptive parents we knew chose to go abroad in part because they were alarmed by the trend toward increasing openness in domestic infant adoptions. "Won't you feel jealous?" they'd ask. "Won't it confuse the child? What if your child likes her more than she likes you?"
I dismissed their concerns with all of the blind optimism of someone who had waited through four years of infertility for a baby and now finally thought she might get one. "Don't be surprised if you get placed quickly," our social worker told us. "Most adoptive parents aren't ready to be that open, and it's something a lot of birth mothers look for."
Our agency asked that each hopeful adoptive family put together what they called a profile and other adoption professionals sometimes call a "Dear Birth Mom" letter. (The reason they call it a profile, our agency explained, is that a pregnant woman considering adoption is not a birth mother; she is an expectant mother and should be respected as such.) When a woman came to the agency saying she was considering placing her child for adoption, they gathered at least five profiles to share with her. The profiles were pulled on the basis of any requirements that she might have. If a potential birth mother said she wanted an adoptive family where one parent was a teacher, only the teacher profiles would be pulled. If none of the profiles appealed to the woman, she could ask for more.
The profile contained information about us, about our path to adoption and our intentions as adoptive parents. And the profiles are usually printed out on pretty paper.
"Pretty paper?" I asked Denise, our social worker, when she gave us the instructions.
"It matters," she said. "You'd be surprised."
It was a lot of pressure to take to the stationery store. My son and I spent a long time analyzing our choices. I rejected the pastel baby feet as too pushy, the blue sky and clouds as too ethereal. I finally decided on white with a tasteful abstract green border. We made a dozen copies and dropped them off at the agency.
While our agency allowed "matches" as early as the seventh month, they stressed to us that a match was nothing more than a woman expressing her right to consider an adoption plan. It was not the promise of a baby, it was not a guarantee that we would be parents again.
"There is always a 50 percent chance that a woman who chooses you will change her mind," Denise made clear. "A real baby changes things and no matter how sure she is while she's pregnant, she will need to make that decision again once she has the baby." It was a common refrain from the agency during our wait: "Guard your heart," they told us. "The baby isn't yours until the papers are signed."
Seven months after completing our adoption homestudy, our social worker called. "There's a woman who seems like a good fit for you, and we would like to share your profile with her."
Jessica was 19, they told us, and African-American. The birth father, who was choosing not to be involved, was white, like us. The baby was healthy -- Jessica's prenatal care had been good. "And it says here what she's having," Denise added. "Do you want to know?"
We did. A girl, she told us, due April 4. A week later we got another call. Jessica wanted to meet with us.
Our agency facilitated our first meeting at a downtown restaurant. Jessica brought three of her closest friends, and we all sat across from each other fidgeting awkwardly. Jessica was polite, guarded but not shy, and greeted us with sonogram pictures of the baby she was carrying. She was due in two months and feeling good.
I liked Jessica right away. I liked her confidence and sense of humor. I liked her wide smile. And I liked how direct she was with us. "I'm going to name the baby Madison," she told us. "You can change it later but that's the name I'm going to give her."
When it was time to go we exchanged phone numbers and last names. Over the next few weeks she and I talked regularly -- not just about Madison but about other things, too. Politics, music, Jessica's plans to travel and go to school. One day I hung up the phone after a particularly long conversation and told my husband, "If she decides not to place Madison, she'll be a good mother."
We talked about the adoption, too, about what her plans were and why she chose us to be part of it. Those reasons are complex and not ones I feel I can share here.
"You already had a son," she said. " I liked knowing Madison would have a brother. I also liked what you said about including me. And the paper. I liked your paper. It was tasteful."
At the first meeting at the restaurant, Jessica told us that she knew she would want to be alone with Madison for the three days before she could legally sign the surrender. We said we understood. But the morning that Madison was born she called to say that she had changed her mind and wanted us to come in.
"I need to see you with her," she said simply.
Even after we arrived home with Madison, I could not get Jessica's tears out of my mind. I felt numb. I didn't know how to answer when people congratulated us. They saw only the happy event, but each time Madison cried I felt sure that every one of her ordinary infant sorrows was magnified by the separation from her birth mother. This was not the gauzy, soft-focus motherhood I had envisioned.
Jessica was everywhere because she was in my daughter. The shape of her brown eyes, the curve of her face -- they became mixed up in my mind. During every diaper change I'd gaze at Madison's small body and imagine how Jessica must have looked at one week old. They mirrored each other; the vulnerability of the mother who had given up her child and the child who had lost her mother.
"You need to move on," friends said. "You need to let Jessica move on. Quit taking her phone calls. Step up and be Madison's mother!" But no one could tell me how to be her mother when she already had a mother. I could care for her -- rock her, feed her, and sing her to sleep -- but something would not allow me to claim her.
Was it the phone calls? Jessica called about once a week to hear how Madison was doing and to tell me what was going on in her life. I kept my stories sweet and lively. She was working hard to put her life back in order and was forthright with me about her struggles. She missed Madison, she told me. The decision was the right one but oh, she missed her. I welcomed our talks even as I shrank from them. I felt it was my duty to hear her cry. It was the least I could do, I thought, because I had her baby. My guilt was a necessary purgatory, an inadequate payment for my privilege.
Each time, I would hang up determined to embrace Madison as my own. Jessica wanted me to be Madison's mother, didn't she? She chose me. She signed the papers. She had released her to me, and now I was failing her trust.
So I went through the motions. I sang to Madison so she would learn my voice. I strapped her to me and walked in circles so she would learn the rhythm of my movements. I hoped proximity would breed devotion. But I felt like a liar when we went out and people said what a pretty baby I had. Not my baby, I wanted to tell them, anxious not to take Jessica's credit.
"She even looks like you!" some gushed. Of course this wasn't true. Her smooth coffee-with-cream skin is nothing like my own rosy complexion. Such was their strong determination to fit her to our family.
"She looks just like her birth mother," I'd reply. I wanted them to see Jessica, to acknowledge her. I couldn't stand to have her obliterated, even in casual conversation. It was if they were trying to deny the truth of Madison, the fact of who she was beyond being my adoptive daughter. I didn't want to pretend that she came to us without her own history. But at the same time, polite society seemed to want to dismiss her origins. Per United States law, Madison's post-adoption birth certificate even listed me as the woman who gave birth to her.
The next time Jessica called, I tentatively told her how I was feeling. "I can't stop thinking about you and how hard this must be," I said, my voice cracking. "I know how sad you are..."
"I don't want you to feel guilty," Jessica admonished me. "I want you to love her. I need you to love her and be happy."
"But how can I be happy when you're hurting so much?" I asked.
"It's easier when I think of you cherishing her," she said. "I need you to do that for her and for me, too. I don't regret this."
I wanted it to make better sense. We didn't find Madison languishing in a destitute orphanage. She didn't come to us with a history of abuse and neglect. I didn't know how to justify this great gift of her presence in our lives at the expense of her mother. If there just something I could hang it on, an obvious reason that Madison was better off with us -- but there wasn't. There was just the word of her first mother who said, "This is what I need to do."
In my lowest moments, I would browse the list of adoptive parents on our agency's Web site. One night, I happened upon a profile of a fantastic family, African-American professionals who ran a newspaper and had a daughter the same age as my son. They should have gotten Madison, I thought. They were better educated than me, had better jobs -- and could give Madison the one thing I never could: a connection to the black community.
My friend Elisabeth, who used to do patient support at an abortion clinic, took me to task.
"This is a choice issue," she told me. "You keep telling me how strong and smart Jessica is, but you're second-guessing her. That's not fair."
"I just want us to both be winners in this," I said.
"There is more than one way to be a winner here," she replied. "Stop denigrating Jessica's decision."
I had been picturing the two of us balanced on opposite sides of a tipping scale. If one of us was the real mother, then the other one was not. If one of us was happy, then the other must be sad. But when I hung up with Elisabeth, I realized that I couldn't ease Jessica's struggle by taking it on as my own. Besides that's not what Jessica wanted; she did not want her sorrow to color these first months of Madison's life. It was my guilt that betrayed her, not my love for Madison.
When I stopped feeling so consumed by what Jessica had lost, I was able to find joy in what I gained, the everyday pleasures of parenting again -- dressing my daughter, giving her a bath. Certainly, with that joy came vulnerability and the insecurity my worried friends predicted. Sometimes I don't want to share Madison. Sometimes I want to feel that I am the only mother she has and will ever need. But even at it's most challenging, I still believe in openness. How much easier it will be for our daughter, I think, to never have to search for her roots. She will never have to wonder why her first mother chose adoption; she can ask her.
Jessica lives in our city and visits when her busy life allows, which ends up being about once a month, and we e-mail and phone more often. A few weeks ago she came over and made us jerk chicken with mango salsa; she is studying to be a chef. We joked that now we know where Madison gets her enthusiastic love of good food. After dinner I shared the beginnings of this essay with her and we cried a bit together.
"I didn't know it was so hard for you," she said.
"Well," I shrugged, helplessly. "I didn't know how to tell you."
Last summer Jessica and I took a trip to Washington together so Madison could meet her extended birth family. Jessica was hoping, in part, to show them that it had all worked out OK and that her decision to place Madison with us was a good one. As an interracial family already, the transracial aspect did not grieve them; it was the loss of this wondrous first grandchild to strangers. "When they see us together, how things are, they'll understand," Jessica assured me. Still we were both nervous.
The family reunion took place at a country club on a beautiful cool summer evening. It was amazing to meet people who looked like Jessica and thus just like Madison, too. I kept my camera ready. Madison, open and sunny, charmed everyone, and several people took me aside to thank me for making the trip. "It's my pleasure," I said honestly.
"She looks like her mother," said someone admiringly, and I felt the discomfort the comment left in the room. "Yes, she does," I rushed to say. "She has Jessica's beautiful smile." And they were generous with me, too. "Better ask your mommy," said Jessica's father when Madison reached for another slice of cake. Then he handed her to me although I know it pained him.
When the party spilled outdoors, Madison and Jessica wandered away to play in one of the sand traps on the club's golf course. I stood on the edge and snapped a series of pictures -- first Madison and Jessica crouching together to poke at the sand. Then Madison with her head thrown back to look up at Jessica while Jessica gazed down at her, smiling with great tenderness. Then a shot of Madison laughing and running away. Running toward me.
About the writer
Dawn Friedman lives and works in Columbus, Ohio.
Friday, March 03, 2006
The first day of the rest of her life
Most people said, " I could never have taken my child home and STILL give them up for adoption!"
For me it was different.
Having 2 days to say my own good bye was one thing. It's a time that will always lie very dear to my heart. But more than my own personal gain emotionally, I knew I wasn't cut out to be a mother at 17 years old. I had to get up every 3.5 hours feed, rock and protect this tiny baby. I felt the heaviness of the situation in that 48 hours and I knew I was making the right decision. I could barely, actually, I couldn't at all take care of myself and now here's this baby. A baby that would depend on me to survive, I did not have the focus or stregnth to do it right at that time and no matter how bad it hurt this Was the right thing to do.
I had already been in the hospital for 1 whole week. Having a c-section for my first child put me on notice about what child birth was about.
8.6 lbs this child was perfectly healthy.
The new parents had arrived the first day of her birth. Having driven through the night to become parents for the first time. I know they were so excited. Being that I was sick with what they ended up calling a "bacteria in my blood" (whatever that ment, cause it just went away one day) the new parents had to cancel a performance. They were suppose to sing at a friends wedding. They both have beautiful voices. I felt bad but I had already said that I wanted two days alone with her, and they never pressured me to change the original plan.
The day finally came. I hadn't slept that night. Other than being up all the time feeding this hungry child I couldn't sleep thinking about the future. Will this really be as open as I would like to see it? Will this child hate me and feel adoption is such a terrible thing like I did growing up? If I give this child up for adoption and never have another child again.......what would I do and feel? This little baby is the only thing on this whole earth that I know to be my own blood and bone....was it really going to be ok?!
The knock on the door......my heart sank to a depth in my stomache I didn't know exsisted.
They really are wonderful and fabulous people. I loved them already. There was no way I could hurt them by changing my mind, especially since I knew I wasn't going to be the parent I wanted my child to have.
There were pictures and promises, tears and smiles. Nervouse feelings deep in my stomach and a sence of excitement for the future for them. I knew this was the right thing. I was gaining a family, not giving up a child. I decided at that moment that this "giving a child up" is the whole wrong terminology. I would now refeer to this adoption thing as gaining a family and never referr to it as "giving up".
I took our baby outside and put her in her tiny car seat. I buckled her in, kissed her over and over. Repeating over and over, "I love you, baby....Always" hoping that some where in that 9 day old mind she would remember and understand that I really, really do love her.
The door shut and as if my eyelids had been a damn for my tears it instantly broke. The flood of tear started falling and didn't stop for hours. I had been so strong until now. I yelled one last time "I love you" knowing in my heart this would not be like my adoption. I would know this beautiful child, she would know me. I knew deep in my heart she would know and hear me tell here I love her again and again in her life. But was it? If I never had another child in life and this was the desision I made with her, the only human being I know to be my own bone and blood, would I hate myself for life? It didn't matter, I was giving her a life I couldn't otherwise. I had 100% faith that this wonderful new family would always keep me in her life. They drove off.....starting the first day of the rest of her life
For me it was different.
Having 2 days to say my own good bye was one thing. It's a time that will always lie very dear to my heart. But more than my own personal gain emotionally, I knew I wasn't cut out to be a mother at 17 years old. I had to get up every 3.5 hours feed, rock and protect this tiny baby. I felt the heaviness of the situation in that 48 hours and I knew I was making the right decision. I could barely, actually, I couldn't at all take care of myself and now here's this baby. A baby that would depend on me to survive, I did not have the focus or stregnth to do it right at that time and no matter how bad it hurt this Was the right thing to do.
I had already been in the hospital for 1 whole week. Having a c-section for my first child put me on notice about what child birth was about.
8.6 lbs this child was perfectly healthy.
The new parents had arrived the first day of her birth. Having driven through the night to become parents for the first time. I know they were so excited. Being that I was sick with what they ended up calling a "bacteria in my blood" (whatever that ment, cause it just went away one day) the new parents had to cancel a performance. They were suppose to sing at a friends wedding. They both have beautiful voices. I felt bad but I had already said that I wanted two days alone with her, and they never pressured me to change the original plan.
The day finally came. I hadn't slept that night. Other than being up all the time feeding this hungry child I couldn't sleep thinking about the future. Will this really be as open as I would like to see it? Will this child hate me and feel adoption is such a terrible thing like I did growing up? If I give this child up for adoption and never have another child again.......what would I do and feel? This little baby is the only thing on this whole earth that I know to be my own blood and bone....was it really going to be ok?!
The knock on the door......my heart sank to a depth in my stomache I didn't know exsisted.
They really are wonderful and fabulous people. I loved them already. There was no way I could hurt them by changing my mind, especially since I knew I wasn't going to be the parent I wanted my child to have.
There were pictures and promises, tears and smiles. Nervouse feelings deep in my stomach and a sence of excitement for the future for them. I knew this was the right thing. I was gaining a family, not giving up a child. I decided at that moment that this "giving a child up" is the whole wrong terminology. I would now refeer to this adoption thing as gaining a family and never referr to it as "giving up".
I took our baby outside and put her in her tiny car seat. I buckled her in, kissed her over and over. Repeating over and over, "I love you, baby....Always" hoping that some where in that 9 day old mind she would remember and understand that I really, really do love her.
The door shut and as if my eyelids had been a damn for my tears it instantly broke. The flood of tear started falling and didn't stop for hours. I had been so strong until now. I yelled one last time "I love you" knowing in my heart this would not be like my adoption. I would know this beautiful child, she would know me. I knew deep in my heart she would know and hear me tell here I love her again and again in her life. But was it? If I never had another child in life and this was the desision I made with her, the only human being I know to be my own bone and blood, would I hate myself for life? It didn't matter, I was giving her a life I couldn't otherwise. I had 100% faith that this wonderful new family would always keep me in her life. They drove off.....starting the first day of the rest of her life
Reposting some of my story~~Finding My Mom~~
I dreamt of this my whole life.
I knew more than I knew anything in this world that I would find my blood family oneday. I believed I was prepared for whatever happened, although if I'm really truthful with myself I would have been devisated said my biological parents wouldn't meet me or rejected me. As most adoptive children from closed adoption being rejected or getting feelings of being unwanted stirs left over feeling of abandonment that most adopted children, especially from closed adoptions, experience. Even if I would have had to experience that kind of rejection I know it would have been worth it to know. To know that you weren't missing anything by not knowing these "birth parents" your whole life.
To just KNOW is what I needed.
I felt like I was always searching. The first real move to searching was when I was 16. I had been running away from home and fighting with my parents. I was forced to go to counceling with my parents to work things out. Come to find out my parents have had a letter writen from the attorney that handled the adoption. The letter was writen in 1979 I was 6 years old. I suppose my parents must have started to notice I look different, very different then them and they wanted to know just what nationality I am. So the letter said my maternal grandmother is Danish, my maternal grandfather is Blackfoot indian and French Canadian, my mother is caucasian and her last name sounded french. It also said my father was Arabic.
Woah, this was amazing, Arabic. Being raised in Montana this was Unbeleivable!! I had been told my whole life that I was French Canadian and never really felt like that was all right. Looking in the mirror everday it seemed there must be more going on than "French Canadian". This was my first moment of feeling like there is something that is MINE. I have some heritage different from everyone I know and it is truly MINE!! I've always had friends of minority decent, and I was always embrassed their cultural practices and ways, but they were always theirs not mine. Or maybe they were, I didn't know......but now I did. I'm Arabic and I would now do everything I could to learn about being Arabic. I didn't know anyone who claimed to be Arabic before. What country would that be? I never wanted to believe the things I heard here in Montana about Arab people. They made them sound like savages with lots of money. I knew already at that time that people in Monatana haven't been exposed to much so until I could meet my people myself I refused to believe the hype.
At the point that I first saw this letter I decided to contact the lawyer. I come to find out at this point how my adoption came to be. My adoptive mother's, mother worked in the hospital. For some reason my parents couldn't have children (I'm 31 years old and I still have no idea why) so the Doctor at the hospital, who had been friends with my future adoptive grandmother, had this young girl that was about to have a child, of course not married. Her mother has decided that her daughter will give this unplanned, unexpected and mostly unwanted baby up for adoption. The Doctor knew his friend the nurses daughter had been thinking about adopting. One thing led to another, the new perspective parents hired a lawyer and the day I was born I was theres. My biological mother never even saw me. Being that my parents hired the lawyer that wrote up all the adoption papers it was a conflict of interest to ask him to help me get them open. He told me that I could file for the papers to be open when I turned 18. That it is fairly common to open adoption records to adult adoptees in todays day and age.
That was the end of that for a few years. Never did it slip my mind for even a second that I WOULD find my family one day. One day after spending a couple years dragging my life through the mud, I found the strength to start on this mission again.
I filed the papers with the court. I had gotten into a bit of legal trouble in those couple years. Wouldn't you know that the same judge that I saw in my legal trouble is the judge that see's over this adoption thing. He deny's me access!! What??! I thought this was fairly common and they just opened these things to people after they turned 18. I was devistated....but it was almost the move that really energized my mission. At that point I drowned myself in adoption. I wrote every adoption search related organization in the entire country and beyond. I registered my name in every adoption registry I could find. But with out a name searching for biological parents can be very difficult.
One of the companys I wrote while in the middle of this search was Dave Thomas's Adoption Foundation. I knew that the owner of Wendy's had something to do with the Adoption world but didn't know what. I wrote and explained what I was doing and wondered if their foundatioin had any suggesitons. I received a letter back from Dave Thomas's assistant. I could tell she took the time to write this letter and it ment alot to me (more than I had any idea of at the time). She explained to me that the Dave Thomas Adoption Foundation help with adoptions of physically or mentally disabled children. She did though wish me good luck and recommended two books I might be interested in reading. And so I did.
During this same time I'm appealing my decision by the courts on the fact that they never did give a reason that they denied me access they just said no. It took a year and a half but the courts made the judge give a reason that he denied me access. He said that he searched for my mother and with my "lengthy criminal history" (at age 19?) he felt uncomfortable in giving me any information about her. He also said there was no immediate need for medical history (even though I now have a daughter who is now given up for adoption who could use some history). He searched for my mother and came to all this in 41days. The courts upheld his decission. I found out in the newspaper and received the papers in the mail two weeks later. Being a full time judge I find it hard to beleive that he searched all that hard in 41 days...??
Back to the book the Dave Thomas Adoption Foundation suggested that I read. In some small paragraph in some short chapter there was something about if your from a small town you might think about running an ad in ther personals just saying when you were born and who you are looking for. I always kept that in the back of my mind.
As usually life continued to go on with major ups and downs but one thing never changed I was going to find these people and everyone around me knew this as well. I run in to an old friend that was living in Missoula. I lived in Seattle at the time. We decide that she would run an ad in the local paper in Missoula for me. The ad would say the following: Adoptee seeking birthparents, I was born on July 21, 1973 @ community hospital, the doctor was Dr. Campbell the lawyer was L. Riley and the judge was Judge Green if you have any info please contact me @ XXXX....well at the time I had a 800 pager number, so thats what I listed. The first week went by I received about 4-5 calls, other people that are searching that offered to help but no one with any info. Then the ad fell out of the paper on accendent the second week, so we call up the paper and they get it in the next day. That day I received a call from a woman who worked for that doctor during that time, she couldn't remember my mother but she was still in contact with another nurse that now lives in Arizona but she would call her and see if she knew anything. That night I went to the casino. (I did that alot in those days) I was loosing and just sick about it. $45 left and my pager goes off. Saved by the bell!! I walk to the payphone and hear my message. The older woman on the other end of the phone says "We're calling about your ad....we'll call back".......WHAT!!?? This has GOT to be my family, and she doesn't realize that this is a pager. I spend the next hour calling everyone that I could think of that had 3 way and made them listen to what I already knew to be MY FAMILY!! I then changed the out going message to have my home phone number on it and headed back to the tables. Don't you know it was my turn to roll the di. And I did...for the next 45 minutes and then the next guy rolled for 30 minutes. I left after that with $1500. This day went down in history.
The next morining I woke up at 8:30am to a phone call from my new old family. Their names were Dee and King and they told me my mothers name was Kathy. Kathy....Kathy woah..I don't think I ever visulized her name before.
I knew more than I knew anything in this world that I would find my blood family oneday. I believed I was prepared for whatever happened, although if I'm really truthful with myself I would have been devisated said my biological parents wouldn't meet me or rejected me. As most adoptive children from closed adoption being rejected or getting feelings of being unwanted stirs left over feeling of abandonment that most adopted children, especially from closed adoptions, experience. Even if I would have had to experience that kind of rejection I know it would have been worth it to know. To know that you weren't missing anything by not knowing these "birth parents" your whole life.
To just KNOW is what I needed.
I felt like I was always searching. The first real move to searching was when I was 16. I had been running away from home and fighting with my parents. I was forced to go to counceling with my parents to work things out. Come to find out my parents have had a letter writen from the attorney that handled the adoption. The letter was writen in 1979 I was 6 years old. I suppose my parents must have started to notice I look different, very different then them and they wanted to know just what nationality I am. So the letter said my maternal grandmother is Danish, my maternal grandfather is Blackfoot indian and French Canadian, my mother is caucasian and her last name sounded french. It also said my father was Arabic.
Woah, this was amazing, Arabic. Being raised in Montana this was Unbeleivable!! I had been told my whole life that I was French Canadian and never really felt like that was all right. Looking in the mirror everday it seemed there must be more going on than "French Canadian". This was my first moment of feeling like there is something that is MINE. I have some heritage different from everyone I know and it is truly MINE!! I've always had friends of minority decent, and I was always embrassed their cultural practices and ways, but they were always theirs not mine. Or maybe they were, I didn't know......but now I did. I'm Arabic and I would now do everything I could to learn about being Arabic. I didn't know anyone who claimed to be Arabic before. What country would that be? I never wanted to believe the things I heard here in Montana about Arab people. They made them sound like savages with lots of money. I knew already at that time that people in Monatana haven't been exposed to much so until I could meet my people myself I refused to believe the hype.
At the point that I first saw this letter I decided to contact the lawyer. I come to find out at this point how my adoption came to be. My adoptive mother's, mother worked in the hospital. For some reason my parents couldn't have children (I'm 31 years old and I still have no idea why) so the Doctor at the hospital, who had been friends with my future adoptive grandmother, had this young girl that was about to have a child, of course not married. Her mother has decided that her daughter will give this unplanned, unexpected and mostly unwanted baby up for adoption. The Doctor knew his friend the nurses daughter had been thinking about adopting. One thing led to another, the new perspective parents hired a lawyer and the day I was born I was theres. My biological mother never even saw me. Being that my parents hired the lawyer that wrote up all the adoption papers it was a conflict of interest to ask him to help me get them open. He told me that I could file for the papers to be open when I turned 18. That it is fairly common to open adoption records to adult adoptees in todays day and age.
That was the end of that for a few years. Never did it slip my mind for even a second that I WOULD find my family one day. One day after spending a couple years dragging my life through the mud, I found the strength to start on this mission again.
I filed the papers with the court. I had gotten into a bit of legal trouble in those couple years. Wouldn't you know that the same judge that I saw in my legal trouble is the judge that see's over this adoption thing. He deny's me access!! What??! I thought this was fairly common and they just opened these things to people after they turned 18. I was devistated....but it was almost the move that really energized my mission. At that point I drowned myself in adoption. I wrote every adoption search related organization in the entire country and beyond. I registered my name in every adoption registry I could find. But with out a name searching for biological parents can be very difficult.
One of the companys I wrote while in the middle of this search was Dave Thomas's Adoption Foundation. I knew that the owner of Wendy's had something to do with the Adoption world but didn't know what. I wrote and explained what I was doing and wondered if their foundatioin had any suggesitons. I received a letter back from Dave Thomas's assistant. I could tell she took the time to write this letter and it ment alot to me (more than I had any idea of at the time). She explained to me that the Dave Thomas Adoption Foundation help with adoptions of physically or mentally disabled children. She did though wish me good luck and recommended two books I might be interested in reading. And so I did.
During this same time I'm appealing my decision by the courts on the fact that they never did give a reason that they denied me access they just said no. It took a year and a half but the courts made the judge give a reason that he denied me access. He said that he searched for my mother and with my "lengthy criminal history" (at age 19?) he felt uncomfortable in giving me any information about her. He also said there was no immediate need for medical history (even though I now have a daughter who is now given up for adoption who could use some history). He searched for my mother and came to all this in 41days. The courts upheld his decission. I found out in the newspaper and received the papers in the mail two weeks later. Being a full time judge I find it hard to beleive that he searched all that hard in 41 days...??
Back to the book the Dave Thomas Adoption Foundation suggested that I read. In some small paragraph in some short chapter there was something about if your from a small town you might think about running an ad in ther personals just saying when you were born and who you are looking for. I always kept that in the back of my mind.
As usually life continued to go on with major ups and downs but one thing never changed I was going to find these people and everyone around me knew this as well. I run in to an old friend that was living in Missoula. I lived in Seattle at the time. We decide that she would run an ad in the local paper in Missoula for me. The ad would say the following: Adoptee seeking birthparents, I was born on July 21, 1973 @ community hospital, the doctor was Dr. Campbell the lawyer was L. Riley and the judge was Judge Green if you have any info please contact me @ XXXX....well at the time I had a 800 pager number, so thats what I listed. The first week went by I received about 4-5 calls, other people that are searching that offered to help but no one with any info. Then the ad fell out of the paper on accendent the second week, so we call up the paper and they get it in the next day. That day I received a call from a woman who worked for that doctor during that time, she couldn't remember my mother but she was still in contact with another nurse that now lives in Arizona but she would call her and see if she knew anything. That night I went to the casino. (I did that alot in those days) I was loosing and just sick about it. $45 left and my pager goes off. Saved by the bell!! I walk to the payphone and hear my message. The older woman on the other end of the phone says "We're calling about your ad....we'll call back".......WHAT!!?? This has GOT to be my family, and she doesn't realize that this is a pager. I spend the next hour calling everyone that I could think of that had 3 way and made them listen to what I already knew to be MY FAMILY!! I then changed the out going message to have my home phone number on it and headed back to the tables. Don't you know it was my turn to roll the di. And I did...for the next 45 minutes and then the next guy rolled for 30 minutes. I left after that with $1500. This day went down in history.
The next morining I woke up at 8:30am to a phone call from my new old family. Their names were Dee and King and they told me my mothers name was Kathy. Kathy....Kathy woah..I don't think I ever visulized her name before.
Friday, February 24, 2006
If your looking to do the questionnaire for me!?
Greetings All!!
As most of you know I'm attempting to get 500 completed questionnaires...I'm not even at 100 yet so I need all the help I can get. I'm am posting on this post both the questionnaire and mission statement. You can copy and paste them to your own document and then email it to me @ adoptionevolution@yahoo.com. If you rather I can email you the document and it is in a form that you can just tab through and fill in what applys to you.
Thanks so much for all the help you have given me and please pass it on!!
Luv,
Shannon
Adoption Evolution
Mission Statement
Our intent with Adoption Evolution is to make what we know as open adoption, the normal and expected practice in newborn adoption in the United States. We want to educate adopted parents, natural parents, and adoptee’s on the importance of all parties having knowledge of and even knowing each other. Adoption Evolution wants to lift up the experience of adoption by examining and filtering through the terminology and myth’s surrounding it. We believe law’s need to change in regards to adoption. We support the government amending birth certificates for children of adoption. It is our belief that adoptees' should have a birth certificate that includes all parties’ involved names, natural parents and adopted parents.
There is endless evidence that the secrets of adoption are harmful to both child and parents. Adoption Evolution believes we know a way to open up the cloud of secrecy where all adoption triad members will live happy.
Mostly, Adoption Evolution believes that this is not a difficult or confusing process in fact it feels quite rewarding. The easy answer is to just LOVE. Natural parents need to love the adopted family, they are providing for their blood the way they cannot. Adopted parents need to love the natural family they created this beautiful child that the adopted parents cherish so much. Adoptees’ need to love both sets of parents together they have made the adopted child one.
Adoption Evolution believes that there is no room for selfish, greedy, jealous feelings in successful adoption. Mother’s placing a child need to feel as though they gained a family not “gave up” a child. Adoption is not the end instead it is a new beginning with a brand new life.
Love IS the answer
Adoption Evolution Questionnaire for Adoption triad members
In what manner are you a member of the adoption triad?
Was the adoption that you are a part of open or closed?
What do you think is the best thing about adoption?
What are the drawbacks of adoption in your opinion?
After reading the “Adoption Evolution” mission statement is there anything that you do or do not agree with? What are those things?
Adoptee
Do you know your natural family?
Yes
No
Do you have the desire to search and find your natural family? Why or why not?
If you have found or known your natural family is there similarities between you and them, if so what are they?
How does your adoptive family feel about you finding or searching for your natural family?
Do you think that adoption has effected your life in a positive or negative way and how?
Natural Parents
Was the decision to place your child in an adoption yours or was it something you felt pressured into? If you felt pressured who and why?
Do you feel like the choice of adoption worked for you? Why or why not?
Have you search for your child? Why or why not?
If you had the option to participate in open adoption as described in the “Adoption Evolution” mission statement would you? Why or why not?
Over all what is your opinion of adoption?
Adoptive Parents
Why did you choose to adopt?
How would you feel about your adopted child searching and finding their natural parents?
If you had the option to participate in open adoption as described in the “Adoption Evolution” mission statement would you? Why or why not?
Over all has adoption been what you expected? Why or why not?
All adoption triad members
If you could change anything about adoption what would it be?
Share any opinions you may have about what I’m doing here or just opinions about adoption in general.
Thanks again soooooo much!!
As most of you know I'm attempting to get 500 completed questionnaires...I'm not even at 100 yet so I need all the help I can get. I'm am posting on this post both the questionnaire and mission statement. You can copy and paste them to your own document and then email it to me @ adoptionevolution@yahoo.com. If you rather I can email you the document and it is in a form that you can just tab through and fill in what applys to you.
Thanks so much for all the help you have given me and please pass it on!!
Luv,
Shannon
Adoption Evolution
Mission Statement
Our intent with Adoption Evolution is to make what we know as open adoption, the normal and expected practice in newborn adoption in the United States. We want to educate adopted parents, natural parents, and adoptee’s on the importance of all parties having knowledge of and even knowing each other. Adoption Evolution wants to lift up the experience of adoption by examining and filtering through the terminology and myth’s surrounding it. We believe law’s need to change in regards to adoption. We support the government amending birth certificates for children of adoption. It is our belief that adoptees' should have a birth certificate that includes all parties’ involved names, natural parents and adopted parents.
There is endless evidence that the secrets of adoption are harmful to both child and parents. Adoption Evolution believes we know a way to open up the cloud of secrecy where all adoption triad members will live happy.
Mostly, Adoption Evolution believes that this is not a difficult or confusing process in fact it feels quite rewarding. The easy answer is to just LOVE. Natural parents need to love the adopted family, they are providing for their blood the way they cannot. Adopted parents need to love the natural family they created this beautiful child that the adopted parents cherish so much. Adoptees’ need to love both sets of parents together they have made the adopted child one.
Adoption Evolution believes that there is no room for selfish, greedy, jealous feelings in successful adoption. Mother’s placing a child need to feel as though they gained a family not “gave up” a child. Adoption is not the end instead it is a new beginning with a brand new life.
Love IS the answer
Adoption Evolution Questionnaire for Adoption triad members
In what manner are you a member of the adoption triad?
Was the adoption that you are a part of open or closed?
What do you think is the best thing about adoption?
What are the drawbacks of adoption in your opinion?
After reading the “Adoption Evolution” mission statement is there anything that you do or do not agree with? What are those things?
Adoptee
Do you know your natural family?
Yes
No
Do you have the desire to search and find your natural family? Why or why not?
If you have found or known your natural family is there similarities between you and them, if so what are they?
How does your adoptive family feel about you finding or searching for your natural family?
Do you think that adoption has effected your life in a positive or negative way and how?
Natural Parents
Was the decision to place your child in an adoption yours or was it something you felt pressured into? If you felt pressured who and why?
Do you feel like the choice of adoption worked for you? Why or why not?
Have you search for your child? Why or why not?
If you had the option to participate in open adoption as described in the “Adoption Evolution” mission statement would you? Why or why not?
Over all what is your opinion of adoption?
Adoptive Parents
Why did you choose to adopt?
How would you feel about your adopted child searching and finding their natural parents?
If you had the option to participate in open adoption as described in the “Adoption Evolution” mission statement would you? Why or why not?
Over all has adoption been what you expected? Why or why not?
All adoption triad members
If you could change anything about adoption what would it be?
Share any opinions you may have about what I’m doing here or just opinions about adoption in general.
Thanks again soooooo much!!
Inner Peace
Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many have already been exposed to inner peace and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.
Some signs and symptoms of inner peace:
A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
A loss of interest in judging other people.
A loss of interest in judging self.
A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
A loss of interest in conflict.
A loss of the ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom.)
Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
Frequent attacks of smiling.
An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.
WARNING:
If you have some or all of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition of inner peace may be so far advanced as to not be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed only at your own risk.
by Saskia Davis
Some signs and symptoms of inner peace:
A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
A loss of interest in judging other people.
A loss of interest in judging self.
A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
A loss of interest in conflict.
A loss of the ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom.)
Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
Frequent attacks of smiling.
An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.
WARNING:
If you have some or all of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition of inner peace may be so far advanced as to not be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed only at your own risk.
by Saskia Davis
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
MN/TX Adoption Research Project
Here are some results from a study by MN/TX Adoption Research Project.
http://fsos.che.umn.edu/projects/mtarp.html
First here is a little about what this study was for:
Since the mid-1970's, adoption practices in the U.S. have changed dramatically, and the confidentiality maintained in the past is no longer the norm. The trend is toward "openness" in adoption, in which contact occurs between the adoptive family and birthparent(s), either directly or mediated (e.g., through an adoption agency). Some adoption professionals argue that fully open adoption should be standard practice, that the secrecy of confidential adoptions has been harmful to all parties involved. Others argue that openness is harmful and experimental. Their view is that confidential adoption worked well, so why change it? Although such professionals hold strong feelings about adoption, almost no research on this topic has been available to guide adoption policy and to answer basic questions about the dynamics of adoptive kinship networks
Here are a few of the things I found interesting:
At Wave 1, comparison of parents' and children's reports of openness revealed important gaps between parents' participation in open arrangements and their inclusion of the adopted child in the communication. Almost half the children in mediated adoptions were excluded from contact their adoptive parents were having with their birthmother, but most of these children were not aware of their being excluded. Most of the children in fully disclosed adoptions were included in meetings with birthparents and were aware of the arrangements (Grotevant & McRoy, 1998).
At Wave 1, adoptive mothers and birth mothers arranged most of the fully disclosed contact; adoptive fathers had little primary responsibility for arranging contact. As the adopted children got older, the birthmother and adoptive parents reported that the adolescents had assumed responsibility for arranging or requesting contact or would be taking responsibility for contact in the future (Dunbar, van Dulmen, et al. 2000).
As everyone reading my blog knows I support complete open adoptions. Wide open. That first results of the adopted parents not sharing with the child that they are in contact with the natural parents is disturbing to me. I think it is actions like that where the natural mother believes she has agreed to an open adoption but the adopted parents choose to handle it in their own way…not telling the child. There are no laws to back up open adoption so they can. 1 of many problems out there.
When all changes were taken into account (including openness level and changes in the type of contact, frequency of contact, or persons involved), 90% of the birthmothers experienced some change during the 8 year period. Reasons for change were many (Henney, Ayers-Lopez, McRoy, & Grotevant, 2004). Mediated adoptions, those featuring indirect contact through an intermediary at the adoption agency, posed special challenges in communication because they required the ongoing presence of a reliable staff person at the agency to keep the communication flowing in a timely manner.
When there were decreases in openness in adoptive kinship networks, the birthmothers and adoptive parents tended to have incongruent accounts regarding who initiated discontinuation of contact and divergent understandings about why contact stopped (Dunbar, van Dulmen, et al., 2000).
I think this part is really important because my whole “love is the answer” is about the management of the relationship. I know the judges ruling on these issues don’t nee to hear “love is the answer” but when teaching adoptive parents how to raise a healthy child I believe that simply figuring out how to love and respect one another will be the answer.
The management of contact in open adoptions involves a complex dance in which the roles and needs of the participants change over time, affecting the kinship network as a whole (Grotevant, McRoy, & van Dulmen, 1998). There is no uniform pattern for open adoptions. Adoptive kinship networks have contact by different means, among different people, at varying rates, and with varying degrees of interest. Successful relationships in such complex family situations hinge on participants’ flexibility, communication skills, and commitment to the relationships.
Members of adoptive kinship networks involved in ongoing contact found that their relationships were dynamic and had to be re-negotiated over time. Early in the adoption, meetings were especially important for the birthmothers, who were very concerned about whether they had made the right decision, whether her child was safe, and whether the adoptive parents were good people. After a while, birthmothers’ interest in contact sometimes waned, especially as they were assured that their child was thriving. With the passage of time, many birthmothers became involved in new romantic relationships, sometimes taking attention away from the adoptive relationships. According to the adoptive parents, the ability of birthmothers to provide information when requested was not always in tune with the timing of the request (Wrobel, Grotevant, Berge, Mendenhall, & McRoy, 2003). Adoptive parents tended to become more interested in contact as they became more secure in their role as parents. As the children grew older and understood the meaning of adoption (see Brodzinsky, Singer, & Braff, 1984), their questions tended to put pressure on the adoptive parents to seek more information or contact (Wrobel, Kohler, Grotevant, & McRoy, 1998, 1999).
At Wave 1, children’s satisfaction with contact did not differ by level of openness. However, by Wave 2, adolescents who had contact with birthmothers reported higher degrees of satisfaction with their level of adoption openness and with the intensity of their contact with birthmother than did adolescents who had no contact. In general, satisfaction with adoption openness was lower during middle adolescence (ages 14-16) than during early (ages 12-13) or late adolescence (ages 17-20) (Mendenhall et al, 2004).
I think this is Very interesting and I believe supports my beliefs.
Adolescents varied in their reasons for being satisfied or not satisfied with having contact or not having contact (Berge, Mendenhall, Wrobel, Grotevant, & McRoy, in press-2006). Adolescents having contact and expressing satisfaction with the contact (45.5% of the sample) stated that the contact provided an opportunity for a relationship to emerge that would provide additional support for them. They also expressed positive affect toward their birth mother, felt that the contact helped them better understand who they were, and made them interested in having contact with other members of their birth family, such as siblings. Adolescents having contact but not expressing satisfaction (16.3% of the sample) typically wanted more intensity in the relationship than they currently had, but they were not able to bring it about. They felt that they could have good relationships with both adoptive and birth parents, and that they did not have to choose one over the other. Adolescents not having contact and satisfied with the lack of contact (17.1%) felt that adoption was not an important part of their lives. They did not feel that it was necessary to have contact, sometimes expressing concern that contact might be a bad experience for them. They felt they were better off where they were (in their adoptive families) than they would have been if raised by their birth parents. Finally, adolescents not having contact but dissatisfied with the lack of contact (21.1%) sometimes desired contact but were unable to bring it about. Some had negative feelings toward their birth mother or assumed that she had not made an effort to have contact. Some worried that their adoptive parents or birth mother might feel bad about their pursuing contact.
There is so much more but I’ll leave it at this for today.
http://fsos.che.umn.edu/projects/mtarp.html
First here is a little about what this study was for:
Since the mid-1970's, adoption practices in the U.S. have changed dramatically, and the confidentiality maintained in the past is no longer the norm. The trend is toward "openness" in adoption, in which contact occurs between the adoptive family and birthparent(s), either directly or mediated (e.g., through an adoption agency). Some adoption professionals argue that fully open adoption should be standard practice, that the secrecy of confidential adoptions has been harmful to all parties involved. Others argue that openness is harmful and experimental. Their view is that confidential adoption worked well, so why change it? Although such professionals hold strong feelings about adoption, almost no research on this topic has been available to guide adoption policy and to answer basic questions about the dynamics of adoptive kinship networks
Here are a few of the things I found interesting:
At Wave 1, comparison of parents' and children's reports of openness revealed important gaps between parents' participation in open arrangements and their inclusion of the adopted child in the communication. Almost half the children in mediated adoptions were excluded from contact their adoptive parents were having with their birthmother, but most of these children were not aware of their being excluded. Most of the children in fully disclosed adoptions were included in meetings with birthparents and were aware of the arrangements (Grotevant & McRoy, 1998).
At Wave 1, adoptive mothers and birth mothers arranged most of the fully disclosed contact; adoptive fathers had little primary responsibility for arranging contact. As the adopted children got older, the birthmother and adoptive parents reported that the adolescents had assumed responsibility for arranging or requesting contact or would be taking responsibility for contact in the future (Dunbar, van Dulmen, et al. 2000).
As everyone reading my blog knows I support complete open adoptions. Wide open. That first results of the adopted parents not sharing with the child that they are in contact with the natural parents is disturbing to me. I think it is actions like that where the natural mother believes she has agreed to an open adoption but the adopted parents choose to handle it in their own way…not telling the child. There are no laws to back up open adoption so they can. 1 of many problems out there.
When all changes were taken into account (including openness level and changes in the type of contact, frequency of contact, or persons involved), 90% of the birthmothers experienced some change during the 8 year period. Reasons for change were many (Henney, Ayers-Lopez, McRoy, & Grotevant, 2004). Mediated adoptions, those featuring indirect contact through an intermediary at the adoption agency, posed special challenges in communication because they required the ongoing presence of a reliable staff person at the agency to keep the communication flowing in a timely manner.
When there were decreases in openness in adoptive kinship networks, the birthmothers and adoptive parents tended to have incongruent accounts regarding who initiated discontinuation of contact and divergent understandings about why contact stopped (Dunbar, van Dulmen, et al., 2000).
I think this part is really important because my whole “love is the answer” is about the management of the relationship. I know the judges ruling on these issues don’t nee to hear “love is the answer” but when teaching adoptive parents how to raise a healthy child I believe that simply figuring out how to love and respect one another will be the answer.
The management of contact in open adoptions involves a complex dance in which the roles and needs of the participants change over time, affecting the kinship network as a whole (Grotevant, McRoy, & van Dulmen, 1998). There is no uniform pattern for open adoptions. Adoptive kinship networks have contact by different means, among different people, at varying rates, and with varying degrees of interest. Successful relationships in such complex family situations hinge on participants’ flexibility, communication skills, and commitment to the relationships.
Members of adoptive kinship networks involved in ongoing contact found that their relationships were dynamic and had to be re-negotiated over time. Early in the adoption, meetings were especially important for the birthmothers, who were very concerned about whether they had made the right decision, whether her child was safe, and whether the adoptive parents were good people. After a while, birthmothers’ interest in contact sometimes waned, especially as they were assured that their child was thriving. With the passage of time, many birthmothers became involved in new romantic relationships, sometimes taking attention away from the adoptive relationships. According to the adoptive parents, the ability of birthmothers to provide information when requested was not always in tune with the timing of the request (Wrobel, Grotevant, Berge, Mendenhall, & McRoy, 2003). Adoptive parents tended to become more interested in contact as they became more secure in their role as parents. As the children grew older and understood the meaning of adoption (see Brodzinsky, Singer, & Braff, 1984), their questions tended to put pressure on the adoptive parents to seek more information or contact (Wrobel, Kohler, Grotevant, & McRoy, 1998, 1999).
At Wave 1, children’s satisfaction with contact did not differ by level of openness. However, by Wave 2, adolescents who had contact with birthmothers reported higher degrees of satisfaction with their level of adoption openness and with the intensity of their contact with birthmother than did adolescents who had no contact. In general, satisfaction with adoption openness was lower during middle adolescence (ages 14-16) than during early (ages 12-13) or late adolescence (ages 17-20) (Mendenhall et al, 2004).
I think this is Very interesting and I believe supports my beliefs.
Adolescents varied in their reasons for being satisfied or not satisfied with having contact or not having contact (Berge, Mendenhall, Wrobel, Grotevant, & McRoy, in press-2006). Adolescents having contact and expressing satisfaction with the contact (45.5% of the sample) stated that the contact provided an opportunity for a relationship to emerge that would provide additional support for them. They also expressed positive affect toward their birth mother, felt that the contact helped them better understand who they were, and made them interested in having contact with other members of their birth family, such as siblings. Adolescents having contact but not expressing satisfaction (16.3% of the sample) typically wanted more intensity in the relationship than they currently had, but they were not able to bring it about. They felt that they could have good relationships with both adoptive and birth parents, and that they did not have to choose one over the other. Adolescents not having contact and satisfied with the lack of contact (17.1%) felt that adoption was not an important part of their lives. They did not feel that it was necessary to have contact, sometimes expressing concern that contact might be a bad experience for them. They felt they were better off where they were (in their adoptive families) than they would have been if raised by their birth parents. Finally, adolescents not having contact but dissatisfied with the lack of contact (21.1%) sometimes desired contact but were unable to bring it about. Some had negative feelings toward their birth mother or assumed that she had not made an effort to have contact. Some worried that their adoptive parents or birth mother might feel bad about their pursuing contact.
There is so much more but I’ll leave it at this for today.
Ok...I'm back on!!
It really is hard, when you respect others and desire for them to respect or at least accept your presents and energy but instead you get pushed down and disrespected. I do have to realize though that not everyone is going to see things my way. I think I always have known that but when you agree with someone else 100% but that same person doesn't see anything good in what your doing or if they do...they have real #@$*%#Y way of showing it.
I'm good now though. I can't make natural mothers that hate adoption understand my mission. Speaking of, so this women that I wrote because someone had forwarded me a beautiful post that she had writed. I wrote her and was like Wow you have a beautiful way of looking at things la la la. She wrote me back and I sent her the questionnaire and mission statement like I do to everyone. Besides around 200 things she had to say that I look at in a wrong way and need to educate myself about she was mad that I called my mission statement a mission statement because I didn't sit down with a respected group of people in an office and go back and forth and back and forth before I came up with it. As if a person cannot have a mission statement in what their goals are????? Everyone starts at the bottem sometime right?
This is the thing, I want to educate people about how to experience what I have learned with in the open adoption of my daughter. I can't change the world. I can't fix every problem. I have some wonderful things to share with the world but for those people who want to be mad at me because my goals and plans won't fix the ENTIRE problem,....sorry! The fact is every bit of progress in the right direction helps. If the only kind of help that people want is the kind that will fix every problem...you may never get anything fixed.
Either way, I'm over letting it get me down...again. Thanks for all the upbeat emails I got from my friends...you guys are great!!
I'm good now though. I can't make natural mothers that hate adoption understand my mission. Speaking of, so this women that I wrote because someone had forwarded me a beautiful post that she had writed. I wrote her and was like Wow you have a beautiful way of looking at things la la la. She wrote me back and I sent her the questionnaire and mission statement like I do to everyone. Besides around 200 things she had to say that I look at in a wrong way and need to educate myself about she was mad that I called my mission statement a mission statement because I didn't sit down with a respected group of people in an office and go back and forth and back and forth before I came up with it. As if a person cannot have a mission statement in what their goals are????? Everyone starts at the bottem sometime right?
This is the thing, I want to educate people about how to experience what I have learned with in the open adoption of my daughter. I can't change the world. I can't fix every problem. I have some wonderful things to share with the world but for those people who want to be mad at me because my goals and plans won't fix the ENTIRE problem,....sorry! The fact is every bit of progress in the right direction helps. If the only kind of help that people want is the kind that will fix every problem...you may never get anything fixed.
Either way, I'm over letting it get me down...again. Thanks for all the upbeat emails I got from my friends...you guys are great!!
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
I need to figure something else out
After receiving many many questionnaires back I'm thinking I need to take a minute and regroup. I so bad want to try and make change. I want to connect with others that want to make change but for some reason I obviously am going at this all wrong.
For those of you who support me, thank you. For those who don't believe in me and make me an enemy of the cause, well it's because of them I need to figure out another way. Every single person that has wrote me in an angry way I AGREE with everything they say but they do not see that. This must be something I am doing.
I'm going to think about all of this for a while and regroup. My spirit was totally broken today. I'm sitting at my computer at work crying. All I want is to make things better for those who are going to be placed and I can see that I'm not going to get anywhere with this with all the people who do work in the industry not seeing what I'm trying to say.
Maybe it's that I'm not a great writer, I know this. I don't want to be a writer I just want to make change in what I feel passion for. I don't know.
Thank you all again, to those who do see what I'm trying to do.
For those of you who support me, thank you. For those who don't believe in me and make me an enemy of the cause, well it's because of them I need to figure out another way. Every single person that has wrote me in an angry way I AGREE with everything they say but they do not see that. This must be something I am doing.
I'm going to think about all of this for a while and regroup. My spirit was totally broken today. I'm sitting at my computer at work crying. All I want is to make things better for those who are going to be placed and I can see that I'm not going to get anywhere with this with all the people who do work in the industry not seeing what I'm trying to say.
Maybe it's that I'm not a great writer, I know this. I don't want to be a writer I just want to make change in what I feel passion for. I don't know.
Thank you all again, to those who do see what I'm trying to do.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Questionnaire
I have copy and pasted the questionnaire on here. This questionnaire is set up to tab through and fill in so it came out kinda weird when I copied it. If you have any questions drop me a line. If you want to fill this out just copy and paste it then fill it in and then send it to me @ adoptionevolution@yahoo.com.
thanks everyone for ALL the support. I'm trying not to offend people so, again, for those of you who feel offended by what I'm doing I can only follow my own heart and I"m not trying to offend anyone I PROMISE!!
Adoption Evolution Questionnaire for Adoption triad members
In what manner are you a member of the adoption triad?
Was the adoption that you are a part of open or closed?
What do you think is the best thing about adoption?
What are the drawbacks of adoption in your opinion?
After reading the “Adoption Evolution” mission statement is there anything that you do or do not agree with? What are those things?
Adoptee
Do you know your natural family?
Yes
No
Do you have the desire to search and find your natural family? Why or why not?
If you have found or known your natural family is there similarities between you and them, if so what are they?
How does your adoptive family feel about you finding or searching for your natural family?
Do you think that adoption has effected your life in a positive or negative way and how?
Natural Parents
Was the decision to place your child in an adoption yours or was it something you felt pressured into? If you felt pressured who and why?
Do you feel like the choice of adoption worked for you? Why or why not?
Have you search for your child? Why or why not?
If you had the option to participate in open adoption as described in the “Adoption Evolution” mission statement would you? Why or why not?
Over all what is your opinion of adoption?
Adoptive Parents
Why did you choose to adopt?
How would you feel about your adopted child searching and finding their natural parents?
If you had the option to participate in open adoption as described in the “Adoption Evolution” mission statement would you? Why or why not?
Over all has adoption been what you expected? Why or why not?
All adoption triad members
If you could change anything about adoption what would it be?
Share any opinions you may have about what I’m doing here or just opinions about adoption in general.
thanks everyone for ALL the support. I'm trying not to offend people so, again, for those of you who feel offended by what I'm doing I can only follow my own heart and I"m not trying to offend anyone I PROMISE!!
Adoption Evolution Questionnaire for Adoption triad members
In what manner are you a member of the adoption triad?
Was the adoption that you are a part of open or closed?
What do you think is the best thing about adoption?
What are the drawbacks of adoption in your opinion?
After reading the “Adoption Evolution” mission statement is there anything that you do or do not agree with? What are those things?
Adoptee
Do you know your natural family?
Yes
No
Do you have the desire to search and find your natural family? Why or why not?
If you have found or known your natural family is there similarities between you and them, if so what are they?
How does your adoptive family feel about you finding or searching for your natural family?
Do you think that adoption has effected your life in a positive or negative way and how?
Natural Parents
Was the decision to place your child in an adoption yours or was it something you felt pressured into? If you felt pressured who and why?
Do you feel like the choice of adoption worked for you? Why or why not?
Have you search for your child? Why or why not?
If you had the option to participate in open adoption as described in the “Adoption Evolution” mission statement would you? Why or why not?
Over all what is your opinion of adoption?
Adoptive Parents
Why did you choose to adopt?
How would you feel about your adopted child searching and finding their natural parents?
If you had the option to participate in open adoption as described in the “Adoption Evolution” mission statement would you? Why or why not?
Over all has adoption been what you expected? Why or why not?
All adoption triad members
If you could change anything about adoption what would it be?
Share any opinions you may have about what I’m doing here or just opinions about adoption in general.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
I'm out to Seattle tomorrow!!
I just wanted to post up here that I'll be out of town for the weekend. Can you believe my storage place in Seattle is destroying the place my storage has been in for 2 years. I have to drive over 3 mountain passes to go and get this stuff in Febuary!! But I did want to post that hear because I have been in such constant contact with everyone I didn't want anyone to think I just fell off!!
I'm still here and I'm going to try and write something really deep and thought provoking over the weekend.
I hope those who are reading have a fabulous and fun weekend!! I'm out.....
I'm still here and I'm going to try and write something really deep and thought provoking over the weekend.
I hope those who are reading have a fabulous and fun weekend!! I'm out.....
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
What it's all for and how it really feels!
Another thing I keep finding is that we all agree that adoption can be great for the same reasons:
“When it works right, it provides families for children who need them”
“It does give children the opportunity to grow up in a more financially sound environment, and gives people who cannot have children the opportunity to do so.”
“I think the best thing about adoption is that it gives children a chance at another life other than the one they were born into. It gives people who are unable to conceive children to take in a child who needs a family. It also gives mothers an opportunity to choose a better life for their child if they know they are incapable to be that child’s parent at that time, instead of them thinking they have no other option other than abortion or disposing of the baby by other means”
“You know that you are loved and wanted because the people that adopted you were looking for you. You are the child they never had.”
But is it that cut and dry? How does it feel to the adoptee???
“I am guessing I had a better life because my birth mother gave me up because she could not care for me like she wanted to but I am not exactly sure about that”
“I have always wondered where I come from. I mean it doesn't seem like a big deal but it’s just something that I’ve always wondered about. And it’s annoying because I do not know if I will ever be able to find out”
“I’m adopted. I got adopted at 22 hours old... I got taken away from my biological mom after I was born.”
“Also I was tormented in elementary school because I was adopted”
“I'm happy; I'm creating a life for myself. I do wonder certain things, like...do my biological parents care, do I have other biological siblings, and are they alive even. Who I look like, do illnesses or cancers run in my genes, whose nose I have, does my bio-father or bio-mom have a double crown on their head...because I do. Where does my creativity and artistic abilities come from, because no one in my family is artistic at all....just things like that?”
I think so many people who “Want to Adopt” have no do not have a clue what it feels like to be adopted nor are they forced to learn about it before they adopt. If people knew how the closed system “feels” I think they would change their ways. I don’t believe the people who push for things to be closed have any idea what it feels like. EVERY adoptee speaks the same way. Even if they know their life is better because of adoption (Which they just think, they don't know it's better and even when life has been good, when you don't know you wonder 'was my life REALLY better because of this adoption?')they live their life in wonder which creates all kinds of other trust and relationship problems.
We can solve this problem with education and LOVE!!!
“When it works right, it provides families for children who need them”
“It does give children the opportunity to grow up in a more financially sound environment, and gives people who cannot have children the opportunity to do so.”
“I think the best thing about adoption is that it gives children a chance at another life other than the one they were born into. It gives people who are unable to conceive children to take in a child who needs a family. It also gives mothers an opportunity to choose a better life for their child if they know they are incapable to be that child’s parent at that time, instead of them thinking they have no other option other than abortion or disposing of the baby by other means”
“You know that you are loved and wanted because the people that adopted you were looking for you. You are the child they never had.”
But is it that cut and dry? How does it feel to the adoptee???
“I am guessing I had a better life because my birth mother gave me up because she could not care for me like she wanted to but I am not exactly sure about that”
“I have always wondered where I come from. I mean it doesn't seem like a big deal but it’s just something that I’ve always wondered about. And it’s annoying because I do not know if I will ever be able to find out”
“I’m adopted. I got adopted at 22 hours old... I got taken away from my biological mom after I was born.”
“Also I was tormented in elementary school because I was adopted”
“I'm happy; I'm creating a life for myself. I do wonder certain things, like...do my biological parents care, do I have other biological siblings, and are they alive even. Who I look like, do illnesses or cancers run in my genes, whose nose I have, does my bio-father or bio-mom have a double crown on their head...because I do. Where does my creativity and artistic abilities come from, because no one in my family is artistic at all....just things like that?”
I think so many people who “Want to Adopt” have no do not have a clue what it feels like to be adopted nor are they forced to learn about it before they adopt. If people knew how the closed system “feels” I think they would change their ways. I don’t believe the people who push for things to be closed have any idea what it feels like. EVERY adoptee speaks the same way. Even if they know their life is better because of adoption (Which they just think, they don't know it's better and even when life has been good, when you don't know you wonder 'was my life REALLY better because of this adoption?')they live their life in wonder which creates all kinds of other trust and relationship problems.
We can solve this problem with education and LOVE!!!
Am I the only one??
There are several issues I want to sit down and write about and can’t seem to find the time. I’m overwhelmed with the response I’m starting to get!! It’s amazing and I can’t believe the stories people have shared with me.
I have been copying and pasting different quotes that people have written me…non-identifying of course) that I want to share. I want to give a quote and then give you my point of view about these particular issues. I think this may be a good way for people to see where I stand on things and what it is I’m really trying to do out here.
Most people thought there can’t be many girls out there that both had been adopted and choose adoption when they found themselves pregnant. Many people over the years have thought that me having such a great situation with my daughter is so unique. As if we are so special that most people can’t have it the same. (????) I beg to differ. The difference is that we have chosen to stay open and love one another and guess what many other people have also:
“I am a Birth Mother who has a soon to be three year old. The adoption was not initially open but his parents and I changed that”
“I am both an adoptee and a birthmom. I have made adoption plans for my two boys over the last two years. I have open adoptions with both families. As for me, I am just finding my birthfamily.”
“I’m a birthmother, and I’m okay with the term maybe because I have a healthy relationship with my Birthson’s family. I don’t care what I’m called as long as I am called. =)”
“I myself am also a birthmother and an adoptee. I recently placed my son in a very open situation and could not be happier (for the child, for me, and for his new family)”
“I am actually both an adoptee and a birth parent. I am still actively searching for my Bfamily”
“Hey, I am both, also,”
For now I just wanted to show you all of these quotes from beautiful women who have written me. We are not all so unique and alone in this. I almost wonder that if it wasn’t for an adopted child growing up and choosing adoption if adoption would have ever become open? Those of us who know the pain of not knowing, we know that the choice was for us to have a better life, and it probably was. But we also know the pain not knowing caused, so when it came our time for messing up we knew that we would give our children better lives but we wouldn’t make them feel that pain of not knowing?? I don’t know who started the whole open adoption thing but I’m betting an adoptee that decided that placing would be best for the child would be at least one of the major movers on this movement.
I have been copying and pasting different quotes that people have written me…non-identifying of course) that I want to share. I want to give a quote and then give you my point of view about these particular issues. I think this may be a good way for people to see where I stand on things and what it is I’m really trying to do out here.
Most people thought there can’t be many girls out there that both had been adopted and choose adoption when they found themselves pregnant. Many people over the years have thought that me having such a great situation with my daughter is so unique. As if we are so special that most people can’t have it the same. (????) I beg to differ. The difference is that we have chosen to stay open and love one another and guess what many other people have also:
“I am a Birth Mother who has a soon to be three year old. The adoption was not initially open but his parents and I changed that”
“I am both an adoptee and a birthmom. I have made adoption plans for my two boys over the last two years. I have open adoptions with both families. As for me, I am just finding my birthfamily.”
“I’m a birthmother, and I’m okay with the term maybe because I have a healthy relationship with my Birthson’s family. I don’t care what I’m called as long as I am called. =)”
“I myself am also a birthmother and an adoptee. I recently placed my son in a very open situation and could not be happier (for the child, for me, and for his new family)”
“I am actually both an adoptee and a birth parent. I am still actively searching for my Bfamily”
“Hey, I am both, also,”
For now I just wanted to show you all of these quotes from beautiful women who have written me. We are not all so unique and alone in this. I almost wonder that if it wasn’t for an adopted child growing up and choosing adoption if adoption would have ever become open? Those of us who know the pain of not knowing, we know that the choice was for us to have a better life, and it probably was. But we also know the pain not knowing caused, so when it came our time for messing up we knew that we would give our children better lives but we wouldn’t make them feel that pain of not knowing?? I don’t know who started the whole open adoption thing but I’m betting an adoptee that decided that placing would be best for the child would be at least one of the major movers on this movement.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Mission Statement
Adoption Evolution Mission Statement
Our intent with Adoption Evolution is to make what we know as open adoption, the normal and expected practice in newborn adoption in the United States. We want to educate adopted parents, natural parents, and adoptee’s on the importance of all parties having knowledge of and even knowing each other. Adoption Evolution wants to lift up the experience of adoption by examining and filtering through the terminology and myth’s surrounding it. We believe law’s need to change in regards to adoption. We support the government amending birth certificates for children of adoption. It is our belief that adoptees' should have a birth certificate that includes all parties’ involved names, natural parents and adopted parents.
There is endless evidence that the secrets of adoption are harmful to both child and parents. Adoption Evolution believes we know a way to open up the cloud of secrecy where all adoption triad members will live happy.
Mostly, Adoption Evolution believes that this is not a difficult or confusing process in fact it feels quite rewarding. The easy answer is to just LOVE. Natural parents need to love the adopted family, they are providing for their blood the way they cannot. Adopted parents need to love the birth family they created this beautiful child that the adopted parents cherish so much. Adoptees’ need to love both sets of parents together they have made the adopted child one.
Adoption Evolution believes that there is no room for selfish, greedy, jealous feelings in successful adoption. Mother’s placing a child need to feel as though they gained a family not “gave up” a child. Adoption is not the end instead it is a new beginning with a brand new life.
Love IS the answer
Our intent with Adoption Evolution is to make what we know as open adoption, the normal and expected practice in newborn adoption in the United States. We want to educate adopted parents, natural parents, and adoptee’s on the importance of all parties having knowledge of and even knowing each other. Adoption Evolution wants to lift up the experience of adoption by examining and filtering through the terminology and myth’s surrounding it. We believe law’s need to change in regards to adoption. We support the government amending birth certificates for children of adoption. It is our belief that adoptees' should have a birth certificate that includes all parties’ involved names, natural parents and adopted parents.
There is endless evidence that the secrets of adoption are harmful to both child and parents. Adoption Evolution believes we know a way to open up the cloud of secrecy where all adoption triad members will live happy.
Mostly, Adoption Evolution believes that this is not a difficult or confusing process in fact it feels quite rewarding. The easy answer is to just LOVE. Natural parents need to love the adopted family, they are providing for their blood the way they cannot. Adopted parents need to love the birth family they created this beautiful child that the adopted parents cherish so much. Adoptees’ need to love both sets of parents together they have made the adopted child one.
Adoption Evolution believes that there is no room for selfish, greedy, jealous feelings in successful adoption. Mother’s placing a child need to feel as though they gained a family not “gave up” a child. Adoption is not the end instead it is a new beginning with a brand new life.
Love IS the answer
Friday, January 27, 2006
Real Quick
I'm starting to finally get a lot of response to my emails and communications I put on on the web. I want to post in here real quick and tell you all that as much as my last post about the terms we use is very important to what I'm doing, it's the mission statement and the finding of my mother or placing of my daughter that I want people to connect with. So....if you only have a small amount of time to check out this blog...go down to some of the more impacting entries.
Thank you all so much for reading this and participating with my questionnaire!! Each one of you matter to me...truly!
Thank you all so much for reading this and participating with my questionnaire!! Each one of you matter to me...truly!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
The terms we use
Today I want to talk about some of the terms we use in relation to adoption. The term I want change the most is the term “give up”, “gave up” or “given up”. This is how we refer to the person that has either, “gave up” their child or was “given up” for adoption. Placing my child with her adoptive parents did not feel like I was “giving up” on my daughter. I was “faithfully loving” her. Believing with all my heart that this was the right thing for her because I knew I didn’t have the ability to give her the life I wanted her to have. When finding my mother at age 25 I had already placed my child and believed that my mother must have loved me to even have chosen adoption, but when I found her I was given the proof that, yes, she did love me and no, she didn’t just “give up” on me. Lets look at the term “give up”: give up
1.
a. To surrender: The suspects gave themselves up.
b. To devote (oneself) completely: gave herself up to her work.
2.
a. To cease to do or perform: gave up their search.
b. To desist from; stop: gave up smoking.
3. To part with; relinquish: gave up the apartment; gave up all hope.
4.
a. To lose hope for: We had given the dog up as lost.
b. To lose hope of seeing: We'd given you up an hour ago.
5. To admit defeat.
6. To abandon what one is doing or planning to do: gave up on writing the novel.
I feel like to “give up” in reference to parenting could only be referred to that parent that keeps their child, but “gives up” and abandon or abuse that child. This is giving up on that child’s future. In no way do I mean that all women who choose to keep their children “give up” I’m saying we use this term for all women who place their children and this is NOT what women who place their children with an adoptive family do.
Plus don’t you think when an adopted child is told over and over in life, “you were ‘given up’ for adoption” or you mother “gave you up for adoption”. Psychologically I don’t think this is good for a child who already is going to have some problems understanding and accepting their different situation. I think we can find a better way to say this and it starts right here, with those of us who are involved with adoption.
Another term I can NOT stand is “real parents”. What? What is real? Let us look at the dictionary definition of “real”:
a. Being or occurring in fact or actuality; having verifiable existence: real objects; a real illness.
b. True and actual; not imaginary, alleged, or ideal: real people, not ghosts; a film based on real life.
c. Of or founded on practical matters and concerns: a recent graduate experiencing the real world for the first time.
2. Genuine and authentic; not artificial or spurious: real mink; real humility.
3. Being no less than what is stated; worthy of the name: a real friend.
4. Free of pretense, falsehood, or affectation: tourists hoping for a real experience on the guided tour.
5. Not to be taken lightly; serious: in real trouble.
Even though I am not close in anyway to my adoptive parent (that’s because we weren’t matched right) they are still my “real parents” I don’t see anything within the definition of real that says biological!
I never really thought too much about the term “birth mother” until I started frequenting more adoption related websites. I had no problem calling myself a “birth mother”. I have since thought more about it and believe “natural mother” is less offensive. For those women who fell into the adoption industry, not of their own will being called a “birth mother” sounds as if they are good for nothing more than creating children for parents that can’t get pregnant themselves. “Natural” feels like that person is and should be a part of that child’s life, always and forever because it is natural. Instead of sounding like at birth the whole thing is over and behind both parties, which we all know is not the case.
I would like to write an entire chapter in my book about the language we use when referring to adoption. If anyone that read this has any other terms they find offensive or inappropriate please share with me I’d love to hear what you have to say.
More later!
1.
a. To surrender: The suspects gave themselves up.
b. To devote (oneself) completely: gave herself up to her work.
2.
a. To cease to do or perform: gave up their search.
b. To desist from; stop: gave up smoking.
3. To part with; relinquish: gave up the apartment; gave up all hope.
4.
a. To lose hope for: We had given the dog up as lost.
b. To lose hope of seeing: We'd given you up an hour ago.
5. To admit defeat.
6. To abandon what one is doing or planning to do: gave up on writing the novel.
I feel like to “give up” in reference to parenting could only be referred to that parent that keeps their child, but “gives up” and abandon or abuse that child. This is giving up on that child’s future. In no way do I mean that all women who choose to keep their children “give up” I’m saying we use this term for all women who place their children and this is NOT what women who place their children with an adoptive family do.
Plus don’t you think when an adopted child is told over and over in life, “you were ‘given up’ for adoption” or you mother “gave you up for adoption”. Psychologically I don’t think this is good for a child who already is going to have some problems understanding and accepting their different situation. I think we can find a better way to say this and it starts right here, with those of us who are involved with adoption.
Another term I can NOT stand is “real parents”. What? What is real? Let us look at the dictionary definition of “real”:
a. Being or occurring in fact or actuality; having verifiable existence: real objects; a real illness.
b. True and actual; not imaginary, alleged, or ideal: real people, not ghosts; a film based on real life.
c. Of or founded on practical matters and concerns: a recent graduate experiencing the real world for the first time.
2. Genuine and authentic; not artificial or spurious: real mink; real humility.
3. Being no less than what is stated; worthy of the name: a real friend.
4. Free of pretense, falsehood, or affectation: tourists hoping for a real experience on the guided tour.
5. Not to be taken lightly; serious: in real trouble.
Even though I am not close in anyway to my adoptive parent (that’s because we weren’t matched right) they are still my “real parents” I don’t see anything within the definition of real that says biological!
I never really thought too much about the term “birth mother” until I started frequenting more adoption related websites. I had no problem calling myself a “birth mother”. I have since thought more about it and believe “natural mother” is less offensive. For those women who fell into the adoption industry, not of their own will being called a “birth mother” sounds as if they are good for nothing more than creating children for parents that can’t get pregnant themselves. “Natural” feels like that person is and should be a part of that child’s life, always and forever because it is natural. Instead of sounding like at birth the whole thing is over and behind both parties, which we all know is not the case.
I would like to write an entire chapter in my book about the language we use when referring to adoption. If anyone that read this has any other terms they find offensive or inappropriate please share with me I’d love to hear what you have to say.
More later!
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
I talked to my daughter last night!!
So I called my daughter last night. My daughter who is 15 now was placed with her parents almost at birth. I told that story earlier in the blog.
Anyway, she is going to be 16 in Oct. She's thinking she is some kinda spoiled rich kid or something. She told me she's going to go to Europe for her birthday, have a huge party and get a new car, she wants a BMW. The thing is she is just talken. (It's that Super Sweet 16 on MTV that makes the kids like this now ya know). Her parents do alright but they would never spoil her like that. Her father is the head of the music department for a big church in San Diego. Mom does interior design. They adopted a new baby 2 years ago.
I'm so happy with how things are with us. I called last night and when I call its just like if your aunt called from out of town or whatever. Sometimes we talk alot sometimes it's more scattered but somethings never change. We always share that we love eachother I catch up on everything going on then I get on the phone with Mom and hear whats "really" going on.
My daughter is SOOOO my daughter...she's boy crazy and up and down with her grades..only because she is too social! The good thing she has going for her is she is into sports (I never was too much) And her parents support her on every adventure she wants to go on. She wants to model, ok lets do it, basketball, lets do it, volleyball, lets do it, guitar, lets do it. She has been able to follow her dreams every little step.
When I hear women who hate adoption so much and say that all familys should be together. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. You know do I not love my family? Because thats how they make me feel...No one would "give up" there child on their own and still love their child. Seriously this is how it feels.
This is not the truth for me and each time I do talk to my daughter which is at least once a month or more, there is no schedule we are just family, I know I made the perfect decision. Chariti (thats her name) knows I love her she loves me and she has had every opportunity. My life the last 15 years, I can't even share because people would start looking down on me, what I will say is she is in a much better place.
Now, I will say this is true because I'm a part of her life. Not because her parents have given her everything she needed. Said I never saw her again and she wasn't able to ever know anything about the fact that she was adopted and what I was like or who I was.....she would have problems and I would have a bigger problem than all the mess I've been in over the years. We are all able to sleep easy and know we are loved. We live with out this dark secret. We just share pounds and pounds of LOVE.
The new baby they adopted, has a mother who has had some drug problems and has been in and out of jail but no matter what my daughters adoptive family want her to be a part. When she drops off for a while and then calls again out of no where they don't shun her. They know that it is just as important to that woman to know her child is ok as it is to that child to grow up know that woman.
These adoptive parents are truly angels in my life but alot of people could learn from how we have lived this. We need the laws changed so that they make people live like this but until then if we can show future adopive parents the difference between a child growing up knowing their biological family and those that are kept in the dark, I think adoptive parents would want a child that knew their family. Those of us kept in the dark deal with deep rooted problems that I believed have been solved by the families all knowing and loving each other.
"Love IS the Answer"
Anyway, she is going to be 16 in Oct. She's thinking she is some kinda spoiled rich kid or something. She told me she's going to go to Europe for her birthday, have a huge party and get a new car, she wants a BMW. The thing is she is just talken. (It's that Super Sweet 16 on MTV that makes the kids like this now ya know). Her parents do alright but they would never spoil her like that. Her father is the head of the music department for a big church in San Diego. Mom does interior design. They adopted a new baby 2 years ago.
I'm so happy with how things are with us. I called last night and when I call its just like if your aunt called from out of town or whatever. Sometimes we talk alot sometimes it's more scattered but somethings never change. We always share that we love eachother I catch up on everything going on then I get on the phone with Mom and hear whats "really" going on.
My daughter is SOOOO my daughter...she's boy crazy and up and down with her grades..only because she is too social! The good thing she has going for her is she is into sports (I never was too much) And her parents support her on every adventure she wants to go on. She wants to model, ok lets do it, basketball, lets do it, volleyball, lets do it, guitar, lets do it. She has been able to follow her dreams every little step.
When I hear women who hate adoption so much and say that all familys should be together. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. You know do I not love my family? Because thats how they make me feel...No one would "give up" there child on their own and still love their child. Seriously this is how it feels.
This is not the truth for me and each time I do talk to my daughter which is at least once a month or more, there is no schedule we are just family, I know I made the perfect decision. Chariti (thats her name) knows I love her she loves me and she has had every opportunity. My life the last 15 years, I can't even share because people would start looking down on me, what I will say is she is in a much better place.
Now, I will say this is true because I'm a part of her life. Not because her parents have given her everything she needed. Said I never saw her again and she wasn't able to ever know anything about the fact that she was adopted and what I was like or who I was.....she would have problems and I would have a bigger problem than all the mess I've been in over the years. We are all able to sleep easy and know we are loved. We live with out this dark secret. We just share pounds and pounds of LOVE.
The new baby they adopted, has a mother who has had some drug problems and has been in and out of jail but no matter what my daughters adoptive family want her to be a part. When she drops off for a while and then calls again out of no where they don't shun her. They know that it is just as important to that woman to know her child is ok as it is to that child to grow up know that woman.
These adoptive parents are truly angels in my life but alot of people could learn from how we have lived this. We need the laws changed so that they make people live like this but until then if we can show future adopive parents the difference between a child growing up knowing their biological family and those that are kept in the dark, I think adoptive parents would want a child that knew their family. Those of us kept in the dark deal with deep rooted problems that I believed have been solved by the families all knowing and loving each other.
"Love IS the Answer"
Now I need to say sorry.....
I can appreciate that the so called "calling names" is maybe not so grown up. For that I apologize. This is the thing I'm getting emails over and over from these women who make me the enemy. This is my blog where I share what I'm thinking and feeling. This day I received 5 emails from people who wanted to not read what I wrote but tell me how much I don't know about adoption and how I'm trying to break up families. If your not a bitter woman that is making me the enemy it isn't you this is meant for. I'm trying to spread love and keep that negative energy away from me. Its no good. I like anyone else allow things to bother me...Being I"m not a business and I'm a human who uses this blog to express myself I did. That's what I feel about the responses I got. I had no idea I would continue to get beat down for trying to share what I think to be positive. I'm sorry I called these woman bitter. At some point I would like to get back to the fact that "LOVE" is the answer. Please
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
OK....
In no way am I saying that all hurt natual mothers that have responded to me are bitter bitter woman. I apreciate the responces from those mothers that share that. I understand and hate what the system has done to so many people... including me as a child from a very closed adoption, my natural mother that was forced into placing me. I understand and support those feelings. What I am referring to is the women who hate me and hate what I'm saying. I'm not the enemy!!
I want to make positive change.
Do these woman really think there can just be NO adoption? And if they do when do they think thats going to happen? Until then should we not try and make it as good as possible for these children? I mean really should we not try and do the best we can for the children that are being placed. I know there are people who are forced into adoption...this is not good, I do not support that. But for those women who have made me the enemy its as if they don't believe that anyone could actually choose adoption on their own. Some people are not in a place to raise a child and do want better! Yes there are people like that out there. It is for those people I speak. I don't want to take children from peole who don't want to place their children. I don't want to make single parents feel bad, I'm a single parent. I am just trying to make the situation as good as I can see it when the option is choosen.
Yes I agree adoption can be confusing for a child but when the family is both adoptive and natural the childs whole life it is just part of life. Divorce is confusing for children, when you have open loving relationships children will grow to understand. It's confusing when a child is left in the dark then finds out something new, when they know this their whole life it is the life they know and they aren't that confused off of it.
I never said Love= Adoption I said that Love is the answer of making it a better system than it is today. Eliminating Selfish, Greedy, Jealous feeling and doing nothing but LOVE this is what makes it work.
Where did I say Love=Adoption???
I don't get this do people only read like 2 words per page? I'm adopted I know how hard and damaging it is to be a child from a closed adoption, with adoptive parents that wouldn't talk about it, with adoptive parents that are completly oposite from me in EVERY way. The whole purpose of this is not to talk people into adoption but to share with people why it needs to change, I know because I lived it.
I want to make positive change.
Do these woman really think there can just be NO adoption? And if they do when do they think thats going to happen? Until then should we not try and make it as good as possible for these children? I mean really should we not try and do the best we can for the children that are being placed. I know there are people who are forced into adoption...this is not good, I do not support that. But for those women who have made me the enemy its as if they don't believe that anyone could actually choose adoption on their own. Some people are not in a place to raise a child and do want better! Yes there are people like that out there. It is for those people I speak. I don't want to take children from peole who don't want to place their children. I don't want to make single parents feel bad, I'm a single parent. I am just trying to make the situation as good as I can see it when the option is choosen.
Yes I agree adoption can be confusing for a child but when the family is both adoptive and natural the childs whole life it is just part of life. Divorce is confusing for children, when you have open loving relationships children will grow to understand. It's confusing when a child is left in the dark then finds out something new, when they know this their whole life it is the life they know and they aren't that confused off of it.
I never said Love= Adoption I said that Love is the answer of making it a better system than it is today. Eliminating Selfish, Greedy, Jealous feeling and doing nothing but LOVE this is what makes it work.
Where did I say Love=Adoption???
I don't get this do people only read like 2 words per page? I'm adopted I know how hard and damaging it is to be a child from a closed adoption, with adoptive parents that wouldn't talk about it, with adoptive parents that are completly oposite from me in EVERY way. The whole purpose of this is not to talk people into adoption but to share with people why it needs to change, I know because I lived it.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Natural Mothers that Hate what I'm doing!!
I'm shocked!! I keep getting responces from bitter birthmothers (natural mothers) that think I'm the enemy. Check this out:
" completely disagree with your mission statement. To further educate yourself regarding the truth about adoption and the lifelong damage that it causes I suggest that you visit a few more websites that do not advocate the theft of children from their natural mothers. Adoption has nothing to do with love. Adoption advocates are greedy and selfish - not loving!"
"Oh I see...I read more. You are in favor of separating more families, if possible.
Please just keep your survey. "
I can't believe this, it makes my stomache hurt. As if I, a child of a unhealthy adoption, don't know anything about the damage adoption creates!! THATS THE POINT OF WHAT I'M DOING!! Or what is that I'm "IN FAVOR OF SEPARATING MORE FAMILIES"
Anyone have any idea how someone would get that type of impression from my blog? I don't get it???
This the thing, those are both (I'm guessing not sure) Bitter Bitter birthmothers (natural mothers) that were forced into placing their children and they can't believe that some people make that choice on their own and it is the best choice, it's as if they think all children should just stay with their families. If that is the case....CHECK OUT THE FOSTER CARE SITUATION!! We need these children to be in healthy open adoption that the law supports PERIOD!!
" completely disagree with your mission statement. To further educate yourself regarding the truth about adoption and the lifelong damage that it causes I suggest that you visit a few more websites that do not advocate the theft of children from their natural mothers. Adoption has nothing to do with love. Adoption advocates are greedy and selfish - not loving!"
"Oh I see...I read more. You are in favor of separating more families, if possible.
Please just keep your survey. "
I can't believe this, it makes my stomache hurt. As if I, a child of a unhealthy adoption, don't know anything about the damage adoption creates!! THATS THE POINT OF WHAT I'M DOING!! Or what is that I'm "IN FAVOR OF SEPARATING MORE FAMILIES"
Anyone have any idea how someone would get that type of impression from my blog? I don't get it???
This the thing, those are both (I'm guessing not sure) Bitter Bitter birthmothers (natural mothers) that were forced into placing their children and they can't believe that some people make that choice on their own and it is the best choice, it's as if they think all children should just stay with their families. If that is the case....CHECK OUT THE FOSTER CARE SITUATION!! We need these children to be in healthy open adoption that the law supports PERIOD!!
Friday, January 13, 2006
All those things you guys are wondering about
I haven't been as focused on giving the remaining story of my daughter and finding my family on this blog as I should. I've gotten several emails telling me "What next"
So even though I don't have a bunch of time to write here today I will give you all a quick overview of how it's been.
My daughter is now 15 years old will be 16 later this year (2006) Like WOAH! I can hardly believe that. We have been in constant contact over the years. I have had years in there that the communication hasn't been great, more because of me be disappointed with myself and trying to figure out my own life. 'I'm a mess with my life, have been for years,' this is why this was the greatest choice! My daughter is comfortable with having a different family than most she know's we all love her. Her parents did adopt another baby just a couple years ago and tryed to have it open, the mother hasn't been a huge part of their lives yet. The beautiful thing is that my daughters adoptive parents will have that door open always and forever for her, so when she does get it together and wants to know whats going on with her son they will have NO problem with that. They are the most beautiful family in the world, I'm truly blessed. The thing is I believe with all my heart that more people can live like this than do if they were educated about how great it is for the children.
Finding my natural family! It has been the best thing to happen to both my mother and myself. We are very close! We talk all the time. There are things about her I wish I could change and I'm sure she could say the same, but hey couldn't you say that about everyone you know. The thing is we ARE family and that will never change. My father, was an exchange student from North Africa. When I found him (which by the way is a CRAZY story, they guys from my local gas station found him then emailed me, talken about, I have good news about your family call me right away) he nevery denied me. He never said lets get a blood test or anything. He "said" he didn't know. My mother tells me that she talked to him while she was in the hospital. So thats his own demons that he doesn't want to say that he knew I was here this whole time and never told anyone. Whats important is that from that first moment I spoke to him on Christmas Eve 2000 I have felt like him and his family are my family. I don't talk to them as much as my mother but I could feel it. I did meet his brother that lives here in the states and he has been nothing but WONDERFUL to me everytime I talk to him and the one time I stayed with him.
This is the thing with placing my daughter and finding my family, the reason it has worked out is because nobody, not me or anyone else involved has held on to feelings of guilt, greediness, selfishness or anyother negitive feeling that would bring it all down. It is all about LOVE, we all LOVE eachother! Even my daughters adoptive mother and my birthmother and my natural uncle and so on and so on. LOVE LOVE LOVE is the answer we can't think about ourselves all the time or we won't enjoy life. I'm here to live and love and thats it!
I hope this gives a quick overview of what it's been like, keep the questions coming and if you can fill out my questionnaire for me, please drop me a line!!
Love Shannon
So even though I don't have a bunch of time to write here today I will give you all a quick overview of how it's been.
My daughter is now 15 years old will be 16 later this year (2006) Like WOAH! I can hardly believe that. We have been in constant contact over the years. I have had years in there that the communication hasn't been great, more because of me be disappointed with myself and trying to figure out my own life. 'I'm a mess with my life, have been for years,' this is why this was the greatest choice! My daughter is comfortable with having a different family than most she know's we all love her. Her parents did adopt another baby just a couple years ago and tryed to have it open, the mother hasn't been a huge part of their lives yet. The beautiful thing is that my daughters adoptive parents will have that door open always and forever for her, so when she does get it together and wants to know whats going on with her son they will have NO problem with that. They are the most beautiful family in the world, I'm truly blessed. The thing is I believe with all my heart that more people can live like this than do if they were educated about how great it is for the children.
Finding my natural family! It has been the best thing to happen to both my mother and myself. We are very close! We talk all the time. There are things about her I wish I could change and I'm sure she could say the same, but hey couldn't you say that about everyone you know. The thing is we ARE family and that will never change. My father, was an exchange student from North Africa. When I found him (which by the way is a CRAZY story, they guys from my local gas station found him then emailed me, talken about, I have good news about your family call me right away) he nevery denied me. He never said lets get a blood test or anything. He "said" he didn't know. My mother tells me that she talked to him while she was in the hospital. So thats his own demons that he doesn't want to say that he knew I was here this whole time and never told anyone. Whats important is that from that first moment I spoke to him on Christmas Eve 2000 I have felt like him and his family are my family. I don't talk to them as much as my mother but I could feel it. I did meet his brother that lives here in the states and he has been nothing but WONDERFUL to me everytime I talk to him and the one time I stayed with him.
This is the thing with placing my daughter and finding my family, the reason it has worked out is because nobody, not me or anyone else involved has held on to feelings of guilt, greediness, selfishness or anyother negitive feeling that would bring it all down. It is all about LOVE, we all LOVE eachother! Even my daughters adoptive mother and my birthmother and my natural uncle and so on and so on. LOVE LOVE LOVE is the answer we can't think about ourselves all the time or we won't enjoy life. I'm here to live and love and thats it!
I hope this gives a quick overview of what it's been like, keep the questions coming and if you can fill out my questionnaire for me, please drop me a line!!
Love Shannon
Questionnaire is coming right along
For the past week I've spent every moment I have (when my boss isn't around) finding people with blogs and website that are touched by adoption and sending them my mission statement and questionnaire. I'm happy to report that I've already been getting a good responce from everyone.
I'm so excited to see that after all these years of thinking about what I was going to do, to see it happening right here in front of me now, is extremly rewarding ALREADY!
I'm so excited to see that after all these years of thinking about what I was going to do, to see it happening right here in front of me now, is extremly rewarding ALREADY!
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