Some Great Advice!

The A, B, C's of SEARCHING

A. Anything can and usually does happen when you're searching. If
you're not prepared to deal with the truth of your life, you're not
ready to search. Your natural mother could be dead or may not want to
meet you. Chances are she's alive, living a normal life and is as
anxious to meet you as you are to meet her.

B. Natural mothers never forget. Tucked away somewhere is her memory of
you. It reappears on your birthday and on the day she surrendered you.

C. Cry a lot and laugh a lot during your search. It's healing.

D. Don't expect a reunion to solve all your problems. It won't.
Searching will make you stronger and may answer questions you may have
about yourself, but it will also bring new complications to your life
and possibly new relationships you'll have to deal with.

E. Expect to feel very emotional as your search progresses. It's common
to feel a lot of grief--anger, sadness, hopelessness--as you proceed on
your search.

F. Feelings mean you're doing your work. If you're not feeling
anything, chances are you're running from something. Expect to feel
tremendous highs when you uncover new information on your search and
tremendous lows when you find yourself up against a wall.

G. Go to meetings, get search help and talk about your experience. It
helps to talk to people who are in the same boat as you or who have
gone through their own searches.

H. Hold on, you move too fast. Chances are you haven't dealt with the
intensity of emotions you may experience on your search. Searching can
often feel like a roller-coaster ride. Sometimes by slowing down, and
by not being in such a hurry to have all the information at once,
overwhelming feelings may subside.

I. Inventiveness pays off. You have to be active in your search. Those
who stay on the sidelines don't find. Searching doesn't go by the
numbers. The more inventive you and your search helper are, the better
are your chances of having a successful reunion.

J. Join a search/support group (like Crossroads); people who search
through a group have a better chance of finding and a better chance of
a good reunion.

K. Keep good records. Don't throw away anything that might later
provide an essential clue.

L. Adoptees should listen to the experience of natural mothers in the
group. Chances are you've never met a natural mother--and known it.
This is your opportunity to gain some valuable insights into your own
natural mother. Chances are she didn't give you up because she didn't
love you

M. Meetings. Meetings. Meetings. They provide a safe place to explore
your adoption experience and to gain support from others who are going
through their own search processes.

N. Nice people tend to have smoother reunions. It's understandable to
experience rage at what has happened to you and at your natural mother.
Deal with the feelings of rage as much as you can before you approach
your natural mother. Chances are you'll get off on a better foot that
way.

O. Only the beginning ... Searching is not the end, it's only the
beginning

P. People who don't understand are best left out of the search process.
Expect to hear some people tell you have no right to search for your
natural family, that you are being disloyal and ungrateful to your
adoptive family and that you will destroy your natural mom's life by
revealing her secret. natural mothers don't die from being "exposed."
Experience shows that many natural mothers, once they overcome the
fear, want very much to meet their sons and daughters. Your adoptive
parents won't die because you search, either. It may be painful for
them, but it's your right to search and to know the truth of your life.

Q. Quitting won't get you anywhere. Expect to have powerful feelings of
wanting to quit your search at times, especially if it becomes lengthy
or difficult. You don't have to quit, but sometimes if the emotions
become too intense, you might want to slow the pace of your search and
come to more meetings as a way of understanding what you're feeling.

R. Rejection is every adoptee's middle name. Expect to feel a lot of
fears of rejection as you search. But you will find yourself growing
stronger at every step as you confront these fears. Expect to feel
afraid that your natural mother or adoptive family will reject you for
searching. Chances are this won't happen.

S. Sad as it is to accept, adoption is not all it's cracked up to be.
Your experience hasn't been perfect, and a lot of things have happened
to cause you pain. To believe that your adoption experience has been
perfect is to be in denial. By being in denial you are running away
from painful feelings about yourself and about your life. Running only
makes it worse.

T. Therapists are often useful when you're searching. They can help you
deal with the confusing feelings you may experience. Seeing a therapist
doesn't mean you're sick. It just means you're trying to take care of
your emotional life and to learn more about yourself.

U. Understanding will be a valuable asset when you meet your natural
mother. As you go through your search, you are preparing yourself for
your reunion. Your natural mother is not. She is probably still
in "hiding" and has not conscious idea that you are searching for her.
Occasionally, natural mothers and adoptees do look for each other.

V. Voice your feelings when you go to support group meetings. As hard
as it is to share painful feelings, sharing them will help you deal
with your emotions.

W. Wounds from adoption take time to heal. Be kind to yourself.

X. Xpect to feel that your natural mother is dead. It goes through
everyone's mind. She's probably not dead, but if she is you may have
the opportunity to meet siblings, aunts and uncles and even your
natural father.

Y. You won't die from your feelings. You may feel like you're going to
die during your search experience, but unless you walk in front of a
runaway truck...

Z. Zzzzzz Zzzzzz Zzzzz. Sleep a lot while you're searching. It's a
tiring experience, both physically and emotionally.