The first day of the rest of her life

Most people said, " I could never have taken my child home and STILL give them up for adoption!"

For me it was different.

Having 2 days to say my own good bye was one thing. It's a time that will always lie very dear to my heart. But more than my own personal gain emotionally, I knew I wasn't cut out to be a mother at 17 years old. I had to get up every 3.5 hours feed, rock and protect this tiny baby. I felt the heaviness of the situation in that 48 hours and I knew I was making the right decision. I could barely, actually, I couldn't at all take care of myself and now here's this baby. A baby that would depend on me to survive, I did not have the focus or stregnth to do it right at that time and no matter how bad it hurt this Was the right thing to do.

I had already been in the hospital for 1 whole week. Having a c-section for my first child put me on notice about what child birth was about.

8.6 lbs this child was perfectly healthy.

The new parents had arrived the first day of her birth. Having driven through the night to become parents for the first time. I know they were so excited. Being that I was sick with what they ended up calling a "bacteria in my blood" (whatever that ment, cause it just went away one day) the new parents had to cancel a performance. They were suppose to sing at a friends wedding. They both have beautiful voices. I felt bad but I had already said that I wanted two days alone with her, and they never pressured me to change the original plan.

The day finally came. I hadn't slept that night. Other than being up all the time feeding this hungry child I couldn't sleep thinking about the future. Will this really be as open as I would like to see it? Will this child hate me and feel adoption is such a terrible thing like I did growing up? If I give this child up for adoption and never have another child again.......what would I do and feel? This little baby is the only thing on this whole earth that I know to be my own blood and bone....was it really going to be ok?!

The knock on the door......my heart sank to a depth in my stomache I didn't know exsisted.

They really are wonderful and fabulous people. I loved them already. There was no way I could hurt them by changing my mind, especially since I knew I wasn't going to be the parent I wanted my child to have.

There were pictures and promises, tears and smiles. Nervouse feelings deep in my stomach and a sence of excitement for the future for them. I knew this was the right thing. I was gaining a family, not giving up a child. I decided at that moment that this "giving a child up" is the whole wrong terminology. I would now refeer to this adoption thing as gaining a family and never referr to it as "giving up".

I took our baby outside and put her in her tiny car seat. I buckled her in, kissed her over and over. Repeating over and over, "I love you, baby....Always" hoping that some where in that 9 day old mind she would remember and understand that I really, really do love her.

The door shut and as if my eyelids had been a damn for my tears it instantly broke. The flood of tear started falling and didn't stop for hours. I had been so strong until now. I yelled one last time "I love you" knowing in my heart this would not be like my adoption. I would know this beautiful child, she would know me. I knew deep in my heart she would know and hear me tell here I love her again and again in her life. But was it? If I never had another child in life and this was the desision I made with her, the only human being I know to be my own bone and blood, would I hate myself for life? It didn't matter, I was giving her a life I couldn't otherwise. I had 100% faith that this wonderful new family would always keep me in her life. They drove off.....starting the first day of the rest of her life