Finding my mother

I dreamt of this my whole life.

I knew more than I knew anything in this world that I would find my blood family oneday. I believed I was prepared for whatever happened, although if I'm really truthful with myself I would have been devisated said my biological parents wouldn't meet me or rejected me. As most adoptive children from closed adoption being rejected or getting feelings of being unwanted stirs left over feeling of abandonment that most adopted children, especially from closed adoptions, experience. Even if I would have had to experience that kind of rejection I know it would have been worth it to know. To know that you weren't missing anything by not knowing these "birth parents" your whole life.
To just KNOW is what I needed.

I felt like I was always searching. The first real move to searching was when I was 16. I had been running away from home and fighting with my parents. I was forced to go to counceling with my parents to work things out. Come to find out my parents have had a letter writen from the attorney that handled the adoption. The letter was writen in 1979 I was 6 years old. I suppose my parents must have started to notice I look different, very different then them and they wanted to know just what nationality I am. So the letter said my maternal grandmother is Danish, my maternal grandfather is Blackfoot indian and French Canadian, my mother is caucasian and her last name sounded french. It also said my father was Arabic.

Woah, this was amazing, Arabic. Being raised in Montana this was Unbeleivable!! I had been told my whole life that I was French Canadian and never really felt like that was all right. Looking in the mirror everday it seemed there must be more going on than "French Canadian". This was my first moment of feeling like there is something that is MINE. I have some heritage different from everyone I know and it is truly MINE!! I've always had friends of minority decent, and I was always embrassed their cultural practices and ways, but they were always theirs not mine. Or maybe they were, I didn't know......but now I did. I'm Arabic and I would now do everything I could to learn about being Arabic. I didn't know anyone who claimed to be Arabic before. What country would that be? I never wanted to believe the things I heard here in Montana about Arab people. They made them sound like savages with lots of money. I knew already at that time that people in Monatana haven't been exposed to much so until I could meet my people myself I refused to believe the hype.

At the point that I first saw this letter I decided to contact the lawyer. I come to find out at this point how my adoption came to be. My adoptive mother's, mother worked in the hospital. For some reason my parents couldn't have children (I'm 31 years old and I still have no idea why) so the Doctor at the hospital, who had been friends with my future adoptive grandmother, had this young girl that was about to have a child, of course not married. Her mother has decided that her daughter will give this unplanned, unexpected and mostly unwanted baby up for adoption. The Doctor knew his friend the nurses daughter had been thinking about adopting. One thing led to another, the new perspective parents hired a lawyer and the day I was born I was theres. My biological mother never even saw me. Being that my parents hired the lawyer that wrote up all the adoption papers it was a conflict of interest to ask him to help me get them open. He told me that I could file for the papers to be open when I turned 18. That it is fairly common to open adoption records to adult adoptees in todays day and age.

That was the end of that for a few years. Never did it slip my mind for even a second that I WOULD find my family one day. One day after spending a couple years dragging my life through the mud, I found the strength to start on this mission again.

I filed the papers with the court. I had gotten into a bit of legal trouble in those couple years. Wouldn't you know that the same judge that I saw in my legal trouble is the judge that see's over this adoption thing. He deny's me access!! What??! I thought this was fairly common and they just opened these things to people after they turned 18. I was devistated....but it was almost the move that really energized my mission. At that point I drowned myself in adoption. I wrote every adoption search related organization in the entire country and beyond. I registered my name in every adoption registry I could find. But with out a name searching for biological parents can be very difficult.

One of the companys I wrote while in the middle of this search was Dave Thomas's Adoption Foundation. I knew that the owner of Wendy's had something to do with the Adoption world but didn't know what. I wrote and explained what I was doing and wondered if their foundatioin had any suggesitons. I received a letter back from Dave Thomas's assistant. I could tell she took the time to write this letter and it ment alot to me (more than I had any idea of at the time). She explained to me that the Dave Thomas Adoption Foundation help with adoptions of physically or mentally disabled children. She did though wish me good luck and recommended two books I might be interested in reading. And so I did.

During this same time I'm appealing my decision by the courts on the fact that they never did give a reason that they denied me access they just said no. It took a year and a half but the courts made the judge give a reason that he denied me access. He said that he searched for my mother and with my "lengthy criminal history" (at age 19?) he felt uncomfortable in giving me any information about her. He also said there was no immediate need for medical history (even though I now have a daughter who is now given up for adoption who could use some history). He searched for my mother and came to all this in 41days. The courts upheld his decission. I found out in the newspaper and received the papers in the mail two weeks later. Being a full time judge I find it hard to beleive that he searched all that hard in 41 days...??

Back to the book the Dave Thomas Adoption Foundation suggested that I read. In some small paragraph in some short chapter there was something about if your from a small town you might think about running an ad in ther personals just saying when you were born and who you are looking for. I always kept that in the back of my mind.

As usually life continued to go on with major ups and downs but one thing never changed I was going to find these people and everyone around me knew this as well. I run in to an old friend that was living in Missoula. I lived in Seattle at the time. We decide that she would run an ad in the local paper in Missoula for me. The ad would say the following: Adoptee seeking birthparents, I was born on July 21, 1973 @ community hospital, the doctor was Dr. Campbell the lawyer was L. Riley and the judge was Judge Green if you have any info please contact me @ XXXX....well at the time I had a 800 pager number, so thats what I listed. The first week went by I received about 4-5 calls, other people that are searching that offered to help but no one with any info. Then the ad fell out of the paper on accendent the second week, so we call up the paper and they get it in the next day. That day I received a call from a woman who worked for that doctor during that time, she couldn't remember my mother but she was still in contact with another nurse that now lives in Arizona but she would call her and see if she knew anything. That night I went to the casino. (I did that alot in those days) I was loosing and just sick about it. $45 left and my pager goes off. Saved by the bell!! I walk to the payphone and hear my message. The older woman on the other end of the phone says "We're calling about your ad....we'll call back".......WHAT!!?? This has GOT to be my family, and she doesn't realize that this is a pager. I spend the next hour calling everyone that I could think of that had 3 way and made them listen to what I already knew to be MY FAMILY!! I then changed the out going message to have my home phone number on it and headed back to the tables. Don't you know it was my turn to roll the di. And I did...for the next 45 minutes and then the next guy rolled for 30 minutes. I left after that with $1500. This day went down in history.

The next morining I woke up at 8:30am to a phone call from my new old family. Their names were Dee and King and they told me my mothers name was Kathy. Kathy....Kathy woah..I don't think I ever visulized her name before.