The terms we use

Today I want to talk about some of the terms we use in relation to adoption. The term I want change the most is the term “give up”, “gave up” or “given up”. This is how we refer to the person that has either, “gave up” their child or was “given up” for adoption. Placing my child with her adoptive parents did not feel like I was “giving up” on my daughter. I was “faithfully loving” her. Believing with all my heart that this was the right thing for her because I knew I didn’t have the ability to give her the life I wanted her to have. When finding my mother at age 25 I had already placed my child and believed that my mother must have loved me to even have chosen adoption, but when I found her I was given the proof that, yes, she did love me and no, she didn’t just “give up” on me. Lets look at the term “give up”: give up
1.
a. To surrender: The suspects gave themselves up.
b. To devote (oneself) completely: gave herself up to her work.
2.
a. To cease to do or perform: gave up their search.
b. To desist from; stop: gave up smoking.
3. To part with; relinquish: gave up the apartment; gave up all hope.
4.
a. To lose hope for: We had given the dog up as lost.
b. To lose hope of seeing: We'd given you up an hour ago.
5. To admit defeat.
6. To abandon what one is doing or planning to do: gave up on writing the novel.

I feel like to “give up” in reference to parenting could only be referred to that parent that keeps their child, but “gives up” and abandon or abuse that child. This is giving up on that child’s future. In no way do I mean that all women who choose to keep their children “give up” I’m saying we use this term for all women who place their children and this is NOT what women who place their children with an adoptive family do.

Plus don’t you think when an adopted child is told over and over in life, “you were ‘given up’ for adoption” or you mother “gave you up for adoption”. Psychologically I don’t think this is good for a child who already is going to have some problems understanding and accepting their different situation. I think we can find a better way to say this and it starts right here, with those of us who are involved with adoption.

Another term I can NOT stand is “real parents”. What? What is real? Let us look at the dictionary definition of “real”:
a. Being or occurring in fact or actuality; having verifiable existence: real objects; a real illness.
b. True and actual; not imaginary, alleged, or ideal: real people, not ghosts; a film based on real life.
c. Of or founded on practical matters and concerns: a recent graduate experiencing the real world for the first time.
2. Genuine and authentic; not artificial or spurious: real mink; real humility.
3. Being no less than what is stated; worthy of the name: a real friend.
4. Free of pretense, falsehood, or affectation: tourists hoping for a real experience on the guided tour.
5. Not to be taken lightly; serious: in real trouble.
Even though I am not close in anyway to my adoptive parent (that’s because we weren’t matched right) they are still my “real parents” I don’t see anything within the definition of real that says biological!

I never really thought too much about the term “birth mother” until I started frequenting more adoption related websites. I had no problem calling myself a “birth mother”. I have since thought more about it and believe “natural mother” is less offensive. For those women who fell into the adoption industry, not of their own will being called a “birth mother” sounds as if they are good for nothing more than creating children for parents that can’t get pregnant themselves. “Natural” feels like that person is and should be a part of that child’s life, always and forever because it is natural. Instead of sounding like at birth the whole thing is over and behind both parties, which we all know is not the case.

I would like to write an entire chapter in my book about the language we use when referring to adoption. If anyone that read this has any other terms they find offensive or inappropriate please share with me I’d love to hear what you have to say.

More later!